A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘sick’

King of Sorrow

Sade’s King of Sorrow is playing in my head. You know what that means, right? I’m having a moment.

I hate this. I can’t tell you how much it sucks. I’m sitting in the hospital. My mother has been here since Tuesday. She still can’t walk. The therapist came this morning. She was having some trouble. My sister and I got kicked out of the room. Sister left, but I waited outside the room door. It was probably half an hour later when I was let back in. I asked the therapist how it went. Not very well. She made some steps, but was very painful. She felt stiffness. Not good. The therapist told me to encourage her to move her legs. I friggin’ HATE MS. Did I tell you that? And this ish is progressive. Just gets worse. How there is no cure for these abominable conditions, I don’t know. Well, I DO know, but that’s another thing. Entirely.

She’s still in huge amounts of pain. Even with all the medication being pumped into her. She’s also having random crying spells. She was eating boiled fish (like a clear fish soup Bahamian’s like – I hate it), and said it was cold. I got the nurse to heat it up. When she came back with it, my mother said, “That’s the food you just heated up?” The nurse said, “Yes.” There was a brief silence, and the nurse said, “You forgot?” That was it. She started crying. The nurse said to me, “Sometimes it can be overwhelming,” as she gave her tissue. As she left, she said, “You take care of your mumma. She’s a special lady.”

*sighs*

This sucks, guys. It’s ridiculous to see a person – your mother – laying up in a hospital bed (or sitting in a hospital recliner like she is today), unable to walk without a walker, and the assistance of other people… Particularly when you’re used to the person being self-sufficient.

Seriously, she’s delirious a lot of the time. Incoherent. She doesn’t understand some things. Some things she says, I have trouble hearing and/or understanding. She forgets things. My grandaunt was here earlier. I met her here. (We’d arranged for her to come early today, so that I could sleep a little, and then come an hour later.) She was probably here for about 2 hours. About an hour after she left, my mother asked me, “What Gloria say?” I sort of looked at her quizzically, and asked, “What? What do you mean?” She said, “What did Gloria say? When she was here…” I was confused. I just told her that she didn’t say anything. She was just here, and she took her clothes to wash. Sister was still here at that point. She kind of laughed and said something like, “[Name she calls mother], she was just here. You forget already?”

I don’t think it’s funny. None of it is funny. It annoys me when people laugh. It annoys me when people talk about her when she’s right there, whether they think she’s out of it or not. It annoys me when people say things like, “She look bad, hey?” Like, seriously, people. Get a grip. Shut your friggin’ mouth. If you’re not here to help and/or support in some way, just leave. This isn’t Entertainment Central. She is an actual PERSON. Her hearing is FINE. She doesn’t need to hear you saying that she looks bad, or isn’t doing well, or make her feel stupid, or laugh at her condition.

I get that people deal with things in different ways. Still, I know that there are definite WRONG ways. And they annoy me. It is really disturbing that people can be so insensitive. Unfeeling. Stupid. Barbaric. I don’t feel like dealing with all of that ON TOP of this situation. I think this is all of the SUCK that I can take right now.

And HOLY HANNA, I am TRYING to be a big, brave girl. Seriously. I’m not showing my fear or sadness. I just come here, sit down, and maintain a noral facial expression. I fight tears all day long. I avoid saying negative things. I try to think positively. More than anything, I try not to cry. I try especially hard not to let anyone see me cry. Well. Last night, I broke down. I had my Wendy’s dinner, and after a few spoonfuls of my chocolate frosty, I just cried. I sat at the table with my hand covering my face, and let the tears roll. It was hard to let myself just cry. Babe was there, and I’m sure it was awkward. I didn’t look at her at all. And I didn’t really want her to look at me. I felt like an idiot, sitting there, crying over my frosty. She let me have a moment, and then she came and hugged/held me. She let me cry, and told me that it was okay. She said she knew that I was being strong and brave for my mother, and I was doing well. She also said that I don’t have to do that when I get home. Isn’t that nice?

 It’s weird that it’s not just sadness. It’s actually GRIEF. Something has been lost. Is gone. Is no more. There’s no certainty that it will return. I look at her now, and I don’t see my Mummy. I see a shell. Her body is there, but her face is not the same. It’s some other face. I don’t really recognize it. It’s covered by sadness. And confusion. It changed so quickly. Will that happen again? Will her face go back to normal? Will her brain be the same? Will her memory be restored? Will she be able to walk again? Will she ever be happy again?

Questions, questions, questions. I don’t see any answers. Therapists, nurses, the doctor… None of them have answers. Just hopes. And vague it-will-take-time statements. Like, thanks a lot, dude. That helps. *flips the bird* (Honestly, I don’t flip birds. I have never flipped any birds in my life.)

I’m the only person here. I keep wondering where the hell everyone else is. I guess they have important things to do. Maybe some of them would rather not see her like this. I don’t know. The bottom line is that I’m here by myself. Well, with her. And I feel alone. Can you imagine how she feels?

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Tea, Anyone?

Busy, busy, busy. Fell behind on my 30 days of truth. Things going on in life. This is going to be very random. Here’s a little of what’s been going on:

  • Holiday weekend in The Bahamas. The first Monday of August is Emancipation Day. Yay! We is not slaves any more! I’m not sure why this is still celebrated. I find it a little ridiculous. Actually, pretty much everything to do with race and slavery. I don’t know why people harp on it. I don’t know why it’s STILL a big deal. Can we get over it and move on? Can we realize that WE WEREN’T EVEN HERE WHEN IT HAPPENED?! Ohhh, my goodness. Can we unchain ourselves now?! Can we free our minds?! PLEASE?! Anyway, it was a holiday. Monday is usually my day off, but since it was I holiday, I took Tuesday off. Yep. I had Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday off. WOO! Sunday was FamJam as usual. On Monday, Babe and I lounged for most of the day, figured out some things, then went for a walk. It was super hot. We walked along the beach to get to Arawak Cay aka Fish Fry which is a strip with lots of food stalls and restaurants. Saw my cousin on the way. He bought us SkyJuice (gin and coconut water mixed with sweet milk) for the rest of our walk. Then we got some conch fritters. On the way back, I stopped for a fresh mango daiquiri. It was very fresh and natural with the right amount of sweetness and the right amount of refreshingness. Yes, I made up that word.
  • On Tuesday, we lazed around a bit more. We figured out more things. Babe made us a pancake and egg breakfast. Yummerz! I made plans to take Drew to the beach. He’s 11 years old and lives in Louisiana with his mom. He visited for the summer, and he heads back today. His dad brought him to the Hilton (where we were gonna go to the beach), but it was raining. Instead, we hopped in his jeep and got a ride back to Babe’s place. There, we watched Date Night. Not appropriate for his age, but we did it anyway. It was rated T (PG-13) and everything else we had was rated C (R). When that ended, I think we watched a bit of something else. I don’t know why I don’t remember. Anywho, by then it’d stopped raining. We walked back over to the Hilton to beach it up. On the way there, we stopped to a shaved ice place for cool treats. The beach was great. The water was a good temperature. There was sun. We stayed until after 6pm. Drew wanted McDonald’s. Dear me oh my. We all got McDonald’s. BAD. IDEA. FOR ME. We went back to Babe’s, ate the McDonald’s, then called Drew’s dad to pick us up. He gave us a ride to my apartment, and we said out goodbyes to Drew. *tear*
  • We enter my place. There is a smell. We do not like it. There is weird-looking water on the kitchen floor. We don’t like it. Oh, look at that. The fridge door is open. EFF. MY. LIFE. We JUST got grocery last week. GAAAAAH! We got plastic bags and pretty much emptied the fridge. By the time we finished and I took all the garbage out, I was feeling quite ill. To the bathroom I went. And stayed. For a while. It was not fun. See, my body is not used to garbage. Greasy, oily messes called “fast food.” Least of all, the bottom rung – McDonald’s. The last time I had McDonald’s was in Halifax. And I became quite ill. This time was no different. I do believe that the lesson has been learnt. I will not eat it again. Ever. Well. Except for the sundaes. Those are okay. By the time I was able to stand again, Babe had already bleached the place. We shut the door so we could watch Chopped (Tuesday ritual!) and then sleep without killing ourselves by chemical inhalation. Three episodes of Chopped. They were all good. My stomach hated me, off-and-on, during the shows. I wanted tea, but to make it… No. I didn’t want Babe to make it either, after cleaning all alone. And with the scent of the kitchen.
  • Woke up this morning. Work. Ugh. It’s hard to return after three days off. I dragged myself out of bed to get ready. 10 minutes to the schedule departure time, the rain came pouring down. Excellent. I usually cycle to work. I text messaged my mother. Luckily, she was able to pick me up and drive my to work, 11 minutes late. Not bad for a plan b, eh?
  • I have no lunch. There is very little food in my fridge. Funds are limited. We JUST got grocery! dfgjfkl;gjkrtgjhkjrtndrt. How frustrating. AND we’re about to move. Know what that means? 1st + last + security deposit. Yep. We were already saying we can’t grocery shop until after the move. We’d just eat light and simple. Well, it’s about to get a lot LIGHTER and SIMPLER. And more complicated. Hahaha. Good thing there’s meat in the fridge. Enough for at least 8 meals. More if we can make it up in salads and stuff.
  • I have to go to the grocery store. Not to shop. Just for support items. Babe took out chicken breast for tonight. I’ll make chicken alfredo. Gonna need to get at least one pepper (red, green, yellow… Any colour, really), mushrooms (because it would be wrong without mushrooms), lettuce, and tomato. I like spinach in it, but that’s probably a (financial) stretch right now. I don’t even know how I’m going to get to the grocery store. My mom put her uniform in the laundry (pressers) on special (same day service), so I don’t know if she’s working tonight, or (hopefully) tomorrow.
  • My stomach feels weird. You know, right after you’ve been sick? That raw feeling? I’m empty, but don’t you DARE put anything other than tea in me. That’s what my stomach is saying. That’s what I’m understanding from it, anyway. There is tea here (at work), but I don’t have a cup. Lunch time is going to be interesting. *tilts head to right* Think I could get away with drinking a Coke?

  • We’re planning to move! It’s so exciting. The whole two-separate-places-with-separate-rents makes no sense when REALLY, we stay together. It’s gonna be great to split expenses. And it’s an exciting new thing for us. It may be a little nerve-wrecking. It’s kind of far (closer to the new job I’ll be starting in two weeks – remind me to talk about that later), is forcing us to come up with quite a bit of money, and we’re going to have to figure out furnishings and things like that. Anyway, I’m up for the challenge. Bit-by-bit.
  • Grandmother is out of the hospital. YAY! They got her sugar normalized which is great. It’s crazy that it was almost 5x what it should have been just a week ago. What a scare! I’m glad she’s home. Her appetite isn’t so good right now. That’s expected, after a hospital visit. I’m just hoping it picks up soon. And that she eats properly. When I get the apartment and grocery situation sorted out, I’ll definitely whip up some healthy little meals for her, and get someone to drop ’em off.
I think I have to actually do work now. Things need pricing. I don’t feel like it. I kind of want to curl up. Ball up. Really tiny. In bed. My tummyyy… Ugh. I’m hoping I’ll figure something out for lunch, and it’ll make it aaallllll better. Hope with me, will ya?