A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘sadness’

King of Sorrow

Sade’s King of Sorrow is playing in my head. You know what that means, right? I’m having a moment.

I hate this. I can’t tell you how much it sucks. I’m sitting in the hospital. My mother has been here since Tuesday. She still can’t walk. The therapist came this morning. She was having some trouble. My sister and I got kicked out of the room. Sister left, but I waited outside the room door. It was probably half an hour later when I was let back in. I asked the therapist how it went. Not very well. She made some steps, but was very painful. She felt stiffness. Not good. The therapist told me to encourage her to move her legs. I friggin’ HATE MS. Did I tell you that? And this ish is progressive. Just gets worse. How there is no cure for these abominable conditions, I don’t know. Well, I DO know, but that’s another thing. Entirely.

She’s still in huge amounts of pain. Even with all the medication being pumped into her. She’s also having random crying spells. She was eating boiled fish (like a clear fish soup Bahamian’s like – I hate it), and said it was cold. I got the nurse to heat it up. When she came back with it, my mother said, “That’s the food you just heated up?” The nurse said, “Yes.” There was a brief silence, and the nurse said, “You forgot?” That was it. She started crying. The nurse said to me, “Sometimes it can be overwhelming,” as she gave her tissue. As she left, she said, “You take care of your mumma. She’s a special lady.”

*sighs*

This sucks, guys. It’s ridiculous to see a person – your mother – laying up in a hospital bed (or sitting in a hospital recliner like she is today), unable to walk without a walker, and the assistance of other people… Particularly when you’re used to the person being self-sufficient.

Seriously, she’s delirious a lot of the time. Incoherent. She doesn’t understand some things. Some things she says, I have trouble hearing and/or understanding. She forgets things. My grandaunt was here earlier. I met her here. (We’d arranged for her to come early today, so that I could sleep a little, and then come an hour later.) She was probably here for about 2 hours. About an hour after she left, my mother asked me, “What Gloria say?” I sort of looked at her quizzically, and asked, “What? What do you mean?” She said, “What did Gloria say? When she was here…” I was confused. I just told her that she didn’t say anything. She was just here, and she took her clothes to wash. Sister was still here at that point. She kind of laughed and said something like, “[Name she calls mother], she was just here. You forget already?”

I don’t think it’s funny. None of it is funny. It annoys me when people laugh. It annoys me when people talk about her when she’s right there, whether they think she’s out of it or not. It annoys me when people say things like, “She look bad, hey?” Like, seriously, people. Get a grip. Shut your friggin’ mouth. If you’re not here to help and/or support in some way, just leave. This isn’t Entertainment Central. She is an actual PERSON. Her hearing is FINE. She doesn’t need to hear you saying that she looks bad, or isn’t doing well, or make her feel stupid, or laugh at her condition.

I get that people deal with things in different ways. Still, I know that there are definite WRONG ways. And they annoy me. It is really disturbing that people can be so insensitive. Unfeeling. Stupid. Barbaric. I don’t feel like dealing with all of that ON TOP of this situation. I think this is all of the SUCK that I can take right now.

And HOLY HANNA, I am TRYING to be a big, brave girl. Seriously. I’m not showing my fear or sadness. I just come here, sit down, and maintain a noral facial expression. I fight tears all day long. I avoid saying negative things. I try to think positively. More than anything, I try not to cry. I try especially hard not to let anyone see me cry. Well. Last night, I broke down. I had my Wendy’s dinner, and after a few spoonfuls of my chocolate frosty, I just cried. I sat at the table with my hand covering my face, and let the tears roll. It was hard to let myself just cry. Babe was there, and I’m sure it was awkward. I didn’t look at her at all. And I didn’t really want her to look at me. I felt like an idiot, sitting there, crying over my frosty. She let me have a moment, and then she came and hugged/held me. She let me cry, and told me that it was okay. She said she knew that I was being strong and brave for my mother, and I was doing well. She also said that I don’t have to do that when I get home. Isn’t that nice?

 It’s weird that it’s not just sadness. It’s actually GRIEF. Something has been lost. Is gone. Is no more. There’s no certainty that it will return. I look at her now, and I don’t see my Mummy. I see a shell. Her body is there, but her face is not the same. It’s some other face. I don’t really recognize it. It’s covered by sadness. And confusion. It changed so quickly. Will that happen again? Will her face go back to normal? Will her brain be the same? Will her memory be restored? Will she be able to walk again? Will she ever be happy again?

Questions, questions, questions. I don’t see any answers. Therapists, nurses, the doctor… None of them have answers. Just hopes. And vague it-will-take-time statements. Like, thanks a lot, dude. That helps. *flips the bird* (Honestly, I don’t flip birds. I have never flipped any birds in my life.)

I’m the only person here. I keep wondering where the hell everyone else is. I guess they have important things to do. Maybe some of them would rather not see her like this. I don’t know. The bottom line is that I’m here by myself. Well, with her. And I feel alone. Can you imagine how she feels?

On Giving Up

Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 

There have been times when I’ve felt very tired. Exhausted. Completely depleted of all will to continue in the struggle that life seemed to be. I’ve never allowed myself to get to the point where I truly threw in the towel. I’ve had times when I’ve decided to let go out of certain things. Certain people. I let some dreams fly in the wind. Some for a short time, some for a longer period of time, some for good. I’ve realized that everything won’t be rainbows, butterflies, and chicken wings all the time. There are highs and lows. There are great days and not so great days. If it weren’t for the tears, we wouldn’t know the value of the smiles and giggles.

What used to happen to me was a severe overload. Then, there would be a big breakdown. a build-up of everything I refused to share with anyone or deal with at all. I just internalized everything for months and months. Of course, I would come to the point where my cup overflowed. How did I get to that point? Well, like I said, I would pretend like everything was fine. I wouldn’t let anyone in. No one would ever know what was going on with me. I still tend to just get very quiet during more difficult times. It’s hard, even for people who know me well, to know when I’m feeling down because I’m so quiet in general. Mind you, I talk a LOT, but when I FEEL like it. It comes in waves. Hahaha.

These days, I allow myself to feel a little down. I give myself a few minutes to just mope. Be sad. Cry if I have to. Vent if I need to. Blog if I want to. After the allotted time is up, that’s it. No more moping. I move on. Either come up with a solution to the problem, or realize that it must not break me. Then I play a happy song and/or dance, or go for a bike ride, or have a nice, long, hot shower, or eat ice cream, or a combination of things. Sometimes, before that happens, I play a song to help me feel whatever I’m feeling (or trying not to feel). Most times, I end up playing Sade’s King of Sorrow.

A nice gospel song for the down times is this one.

And then this song makes me feel better.

While we’re on this, here’s a new song from Kirk Franklin.

I just don’t understand the pink lipstick. I mean, wear lipstick if you want, Kirk. Whatever. I just think you should try to pick a better colour/shade for your skin tone. That bubblegum pink is just… Wrong.

Lessons:

  • It’s okay to feel down sometimes. It happens.
  • It’s not okay to internalize everything. Yes, some things are private. There are some things we’d rather not share with the world, or people outside of the situation. It’s just important that we express the way that we feel in a harmless way. Talking to someone, writing, painting, physical activity, etc.
  • Music is good. It can make you feel all kinds of ways. It can help you cry. It can make you smile. It can help you to heal.
  • Never allow yourself to wallow in sorrows for a longer time than you’d allow your mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, husband, wife, girlfriend, or brother to wallow in sorrows.
  • Allow yourself to FEEL. It’s in the nature of human beings, and it is okay.
  • Know yourself. Completely. Be able to make a distinction between a rough day, a rough little while, and depression. Know when you need to reach out to someone for help.