A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘rough day’

Rough Day

Rough day, y’all. I spent a lot of time trying to decide whether or not I should post about it. I ended up in between the two, so I’m going to be kind of vague. By the end of this post, I may spill all of the beans. You may piece it all together, depending on the way that I say what I say. Clearly, I have no idea how I’m going to do this yet. I AM going to do it though. Therapy.

  • I’m not talking about this with the appropriate party because it’s futile, and likely only to serve in making me a lot more upset than I already am. That annoys me to start with.
  • It is completely inappropriate, random, and stupid for a person to demand (or even request) that someone else MAKE and BRING them something to eat. Seriously?! Who ARE you?! You take that type of request to a parent, spouse, life partner, or personal chef. What.the.eff?! If someone asked that of me, I would let them know, straight up, that it’s not my job, it’s not okay to ask me something like that, AND making a meal for someone is a very personal, intimate thing. You don’t just make sandwiches for random people working in your building, or casual acquaintances.
  • If someone with a husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend ever made and delivered food to me, I’d question their relationship. Not gonna lie. I’d wonder if the significant other was aware, and how he/she felt about it.
  • People only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. People learn from the way we interact with them how to interact with us. Really, we train people to deal with us. We reap what we sow.
  • Somehow, I pick up things about people. Sense things. Nothing freaky. I just know in an instant whether or not a person is genuine, sort of. I can’t really explain it. Anyway. I’ve never been wrong about it. There have been times when I’ve ignored it for whatever reason, and got kicked in the bum. I know a freak/weirdo/extra-need person when I met one.
  • Yesterday, I ordered a loaf of bread from one of the restaurants that deliver here. Olive loaf. I figured Babe would love it. She loooves olives. $8 for a loaf, y’all. $8. I figure it would be worth it because she’d really enjoy it, just like we enjoyed the $8 asiago loaf I got last week.
  • There are a lot of things that I have not done and would never do because I refuse to disrespect myself, Babe, or our relationship. I know that the people in the relationship set the standard. Everyone else just falls in line/follows suit. That’s the way it is.
  • I turned down a ride home from someone because I know it’s someone Babe isn’t comfortable with, and doesn’t like knowing is around (or in contact with) me. I found alternatives. Why do something that obviously makes her uncomfortable?! And, I mean, for WHAT?! What would be the purpose of that? For her to feel every single minute that I’m stuck in box with the person on the way home? No. Not happening.
  • I hate it when I express my point of view on something, and the person makes me feel like my feelings are not valid. Or my thoughts are crazy. Or I’m some extra sinister, cynical, horrible person. Or I’m frickin’ crazy. Especially when I really do my best to validate their feelings, and be understanding of points of view. We all know that all emotions and all thoughts are not rational, and we won’t share them all. Does that give us the right to disrespect or ignore those that are not in alignment with our own?
  • It really bothers me that this has been bothering me for the ENTIRE day, even though I’ve been actively trying to put it out of my mind (except for the time I spent wondering if I should post about it).
  • This isn’t a conversation that’s going to be finished later. It’s not something I intend to bring up again. Meaning today, or any other day.
  • I haaate when I have those 13-year-old-rebellious-young-person moments when I wanna do something just to prove a point. I refuse to give in to that inclination. I will NOT.
  • I fell behind in some work things. I’m disappointed in myself. I could barely look at my work peeps in a meeting today. I really could have cried a few times in those 2 hours, honestly. They didn’t get upset with me or anything. I just felt like I could have had more to offer today.
  • I haz a sad.
  • I sort of don’t wanna do anything this weekend (any more). Weird, I know.

It’s Thankful Thursday. I need to be thankful. I will in my next post. I was supposed to post pictures of my Denmark goodies today. I don’t feel like. Maybe tomorrow (again)? We’ll see. I’m gonna do Thankful Thursday. Just as soon as I’ve sat on the floor in the corner of my office and had a moment. I’ll wash my face and pat it dry like it’s a new day, come to my computer, put in some work, and be THANKFUL. Stay tuned for that one.

When you’re expressing the way that you feel, how important is it that the person you’re confiding in understands you? Do you necessarily need someone to agree with you when you’re upset about something? How do you get past something that you can’t/won’t address? I know you may be lost with my bullet points, but from what you can tell, am I being a crazy person? Do you think that meal-sharing is intimate?

Crazy

Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Why is this so hard? Maybe because it’s kind of vague. I’ve had this tab open for hours. The best thing going for me definitely isn’t my decisiveness right now. Lol. I AM decisive though. Just saying.

The best thing going for me… Hmmm… Let’s go with something super generic (because my brain is lazy right now) and say PERSONALITY! WOO!

I should probably zero in on something a bit more specific. My feathers (I’m a peacock, P.S.) aren’t easily ruffled. I have a pretty quiet spirit, and usually appear to be very calm, controlled, and at peace. Particularly at work. I leave my home life at home. I don’t bring personal issues with me. I don’t take work home with me. The two are separate and apart. Things may happen at home that frustrate me, but when I get to work, I’m sort of a different person. It’s the same deal the other way around. I make a special effort not to beat anyone with the stick of another person. Everyone gets beaten with their own stick around here!

Blaaah. Nothing else to say on this one.

On another note, I had a small breakdown last night. I’ve recently been stuck taking the yucky stinky bus to and from work. 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 Yeah, that’s how sad it makes me. I thought I was coping well. Not really. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. My bicycle is still at the old place. Hopefully, we can move it tomorrow evening. THEN, I’ll have to figure out how to make it all the way to work in all the work/school traffic and avoid the highway.

Anyway, more on how much I hate the bus and why, and the route I’ll have to take later. In another post. On to my breakdown. Yesterday wasn’t too bad. I worked at this job I really dislike, but whatever. I walked downtown (25 minutes) to get the bus. For a change, it was actually there. It was full. It stayed full. It was gross. I got home, and Babe was there to greet me. I held my hands out and said, “Don’t touch me!” before the warm embrace could happen. I stripped and went in the shower. Except the water was cold. I said the-f-word. Yes, I did. SO unlike me. I usually cop out and say, “Eff,” or “Flick,” or something like that. Not yesterday evening. I said THE f-word. ENUNCIATED it. I mean, with power. Not loudly, but with power. You know when the “CK” has the extra something? It was like “Fah cryin’ out loud.” Without the “ryin’ out loud” part. Yeah. It was bad.

I flipped the heater switch and sat on the commode, bent forward so my head was between my legs, and did something. I don’t know. Maybe I cried a little? No. I think I mumbled to myself or something. Sighed a lot. Finally, I figured the water would be hot enough, so I went in the shower. I got in, and started to calm down. Eyes closed and everything. Then, it felt really hot. I opened my eyes and looked around. The bathroom door was closed. Babe closed the door! I was pissed. It seems ridiculous, I know, but I WAS. WHY close the door?! Yes, I hear you in there trying to lay down some tracks or demo songs or whatever, but why did you close the door?! Don’t you know it’s HOT in here?! Then I realized that the window wasn’t even open. I started to open it, but it was too hard for me to do because the window operator was kind of stuck between the blinds or something. This is all very melodramatic, I know. I cried. I quickly got clean, got out of the shower, opened the door, and went into the spare room. I took down the blow-up mattress and laid my towelled self onto it. I stayed there until Babe said it was time to eat. Since we needed walls and doors between us, and my crying and moaning probably wouldn’t have been good for the recording or whatever was going on. I did it for Babe. And for me. As a take-THAT in response to the closed door.

It’s weird. I know why the door was closed. I understood it. I still resented it. It was like a wall between us or something. When I needed closeness. But only AFTER a shower. I was annoyed that I wasn’t considered in the decision (yes, this is ridiculous) to close the door. The heat was not considered. THIS added to the fact that the water was not preheated for me, in anticipation of my need for a shower upon my arrival. And I rode the STINKING BUS. YUCK. And I haven’t cycled in over a week.

I know it’s all crazy. I was like a spoiled brat. It was awful. And it made me more upset/annoyed at myself/and cry more knowing that I was being ridiculous. And knowing that none of this was Babe’s fault. But poor Babe was sucked into it. I never talked about it. I didn’t say how I felt about the door (because I knew it was stupid – lol), and I didn’t say why I went into the other room. I just left it. No questions were asked. I wonder if it was noticed. Probably. I was horrible. Veryunspeaking, uninteresting, and unresponsive. I feel terrible about it. If we had gas, I would bake Babe a cake.

I’m not a crazy person. I’m really not. I just have these crazy moments every few months or something. Funny that this happened after yesterday’s post though, right?

Has one little thing ever set you off on some crazy emotional thingy? Ever known that you were being ridiculous WHILE you were being ridiculous? How do you get yourself to be rational when all you want to do is be irrational and find a reason to be annoyed with someone? (I’m dying laughing at the last question. I’m crazy. I lied.)