A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘last thoughts’

11 Questions from Janie

I love getting tagged. I keep telling you so that you can tag me whenever you’re tagged. Hahaha. Janie fell for my trick and tagged me. YAY!

1.) What is your biggest regret in life?

I really put a lot of effort into acting intentionally. I never want to regret. I think, move, act, and exist with purpose. Every decision I’ve made has been based on a combination of my desire and resources at my disposal. I can honestly say that I have no regrets. Everything I have done has been with great purpose, even if it came with a price.

One thing that I’ve looked back on a few times is my move back to The Bahamas (from Canada). I really don’t belong here, and I’d much rather be in Canada. That doesn’t change the fact that I needed to return. I felt the need, although I did not know why. Shortly after my return, my great-grandmother decided to close her business – one that I grew up in. I spent my Saturdays, my summer vacations, and Christmas breaks in her store. I made a lot of my own money helping out in that store. I knew that I would miss it when it was gone. I was happy to be in Nassau to work in the store during it last few months.

My mother got ill soon after that. She has been hospitalized twice. Being in Canada would not have served me well during those times. My grandmother’s health also declined. With every passing month, it got worse, and ended in her death. How would I have dealt with that, in another country? How would I ever get to a place of forgiveness (of myself) for staying in Canada for my own comfort, forsaking the life that I could have been living in proximity to those that I care about?

Regrets? I have none. Reasons? I have many.

2.) What makes you angry?

Ignorance. Hatred. Unfair judgment.

3.) Are you capable of forgiving and forgetting?

No. Forgiving, yes. Forgetting, no. It is right to forgive. It is unwise to forget.

4.) What do you consider the biggest fight you’ve ever had in your life?

The biggest physical fight I’ve ever had was with an ex. He followed me, ran ahead of me, and eventually trapped me in a dark, empty parking lot on my university campus. There was a lot of struggle. Residence security and police became involved. It was a bad scene. I’m happy to say that I no longer suffer trauma from what occurred. I remember it, but it is not a large part of who I am today. I suffered quite a bit over the next few weeks, but counselling and the support of my friends really helped. Let me also say that I realize that the same event could have drastically different impacts on others.

I also had another sort of fight. Hatred took up residence in me. It did not seem to want to leave me. The things that I saw and experienced at a young age made me a hateful, cold, bitter person. As I child, I freely told my father that I hated him. I harboured a great deal of anger against a lot of his family – people who took care of me – because I didn’t think they were good people. They didn’t fight for what was right. They stood by and let bad things happen. There was a lot that I absorbed. I was not expressive, so I held onto a lot of pain. I had things to say, and no one to say them to. This ended up taking a major toll on my health. When people say that you can become physically ill from emotional stress, trauma, unexpressed feelings and the like, believe it. It was a huge battle I had to fight against large parts of myself (and/or what became me). It was years of slow, hard battle, and there are probably still scars, but the wounds have healed.

5.) What is the ugliest part of your personality?

Devil’s advocate syndrome. It’s something I have to learn to control. I’d practiced it for a long time as a way to make decisions for myself, and anticipate any opposition that may arise. It is now a part of me, and I do it automatically. I constantly have to stop myself from saying things in response to the most rudimentary of comments. I don’t want to become an eternal pessimist, all because I am a (strong) realist.

6.) Do you choose to see the best or the worst in people? Why?

I start everyone off with 100%, and leave it to them to cause its decline. That being said, I trust my instincts, and keep my guard up, and my striking fist ready. It’s a contradiction, I know. I have very heightened senses, and I can tell a lot about a person by their words and actions. I see intentions beyond what is readily shared with me. I’ve never been proven wrong, so I continue to trust my instincts. I have them for a reason. So I guess I look for the best, but remain prepared for the worst. I’m also the last and final devil’s advocate. If you need a critique, I am the one.

7.) Do you think other life forms exist in the universe?

I know that it is possible. There isn’t much that I don’t think is possible. The universe is vast, and I inhabit a small part of it. It would be crazy for me to think that I, and my kind, are all that there is. Am I particularly interested in finding out for certain? No. It’s of no consequence to me, as far as I can tell.

8.) If God were to grant you a wish, what would it be?

The resources that would allow me to share life lessons that I’ve gained in my 25 short years on this earth. To be able to teach. To inspire. To encourage. For my education and my passion to marry into a life of fulfillment, knowing that I am living my purpose. I know for certain that my life experiences were not meant to just happen to me. They happened for me. To be something for others.

9.) What would you do if a stranger threw a spoon at you? (This happened to me!)

WHAT?! I have no idea! That’s pretty absurd. Does the spoon hit me? I think that would make a difference, somehow. If it doesn’t hit me, and no further attempts are made, I’d probably shrug it off and go about my business. If it hits me, I guess I’d be in a 10 second state of shock and immovability. Then I’d repeatedly hit the person with the spoon. In the face.

10.) You are sky diving and you realize that you can’t open your parachute so, in a few moments you are about to die. What do you think would be your last thoughts?

What a beautiful world. What a beautiful final sight. This is the best way to leave the world. Seeing it from God’s point of view, in all of its splendor. Untainted by the endless chatter of people, the raging to-do list, or the all-encompassing concern for self. Just being of the tiniest dots in a vast universe, with the best view possible of the planet I once inhabited, abused, abhorred, and misunderstood.

11.) What will you do tomorrow?

Tomorrow, I will run. I will work. I will write. I will drink water. I will show love to my Babe. I will start having breakfast again. I will create a new budget sheet. I will edit. I will be the best me that I can be.

 

Well, that was fun. And maybe a little intense. Those questions were awesome. Thanks, Janie!

Now, for anyone who wants to answer 11 questions, here ya go:

  1. Who has had the most influence on you?
  2. What is one childhood event that helped to shape your present self?
  3. What’s your favourite candy?
  4. Cream or milk in your tea/coffee/hot chocolate?
  5. What is your favourite form of exercise?
  6. What book do you highly recommend?
  7. What country would you like to visit?
  8. How do you like your veggies cooked?
  9. When is the best time to take a vacation?
  10. Who is your favourite tv family?
  11. What blog should I check out?