On Giving Up

Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? 

There have been times when I’ve felt very tired. Exhausted. Completely depleted of all will to continue in the struggle that life seemed to be. I’ve never allowed myself to get to the point where I truly threw in the towel. I’ve had times when I’ve decided to let go out of certain things. Certain people. I let some dreams fly in the wind. Some for a short time, some for a longer period of time, some for good. I’ve realized that everything won’t be rainbows, butterflies, and chicken wings all the time. There are highs and lows. There are great days and not so great days. If it weren’t for the tears, we wouldn’t know the value of the smiles and giggles.

What used to happen to me was a severe overload. Then, there would be a big breakdown. a build-up of everything I refused to share with anyone or deal with at all. I just internalized everything for months and months. Of course, I would come to the point where my cup overflowed. How did I get to that point? Well, like I said, I would pretend like everything was fine. I wouldn’t let anyone in. No one would ever know what was going on with me. I still tend to just get very quiet during more difficult times. It’s hard, even for people who know me well, to know when I’m feeling down because I’m so quiet in general. Mind you, I talk a LOT, but when I FEEL like it. It comes in waves. Hahaha.

These days, I allow myself to feel a little down. I give myself a few minutes to just mope. Be sad. Cry if I have to. Vent if I need to. Blog if I want to. After the allotted time is up, that’s it. No more moping. I move on. Either come up with a solution to the problem, or realize that it must not break me. Then I play a happy song and/or dance, or go for a bike ride, or have a nice, long, hot shower, or eat ice cream, or a combination of things. Sometimes, before that happens, I play a song to help me feel whatever I’m feeling (or trying not to feel). Most times, I end up playing Sade’s King of Sorrow.

A nice gospel song for the down times is this one.

And then this song makes me feel better.

While we’re on this, here’s a new song from Kirk Franklin.

I just don’t understand the pink lipstick. I mean, wear lipstick if you want, Kirk. Whatever. I just think you should try to pick a better colour/shade for your skin tone. That bubblegum pink is just… Wrong.

Lessons:

• It’s okay to feel down sometimes. It happens.
• It’s not okay to internalize everything. Yes, some things are private. There are some things we’d rather not share with the world, or people outside of the situation. It’s just important that we express the way that we feel in a harmless way. Talking to someone, writing, painting, physical activity, etc.
• Music is good. It can make you feel all kinds of ways. It can help you cry. It can make you smile. It can help you to heal.
• Never allow yourself to wallow in sorrows for a longer time than you’d allow your mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, husband, wife, girlfriend, or brother to wallow in sorrows.
• Allow yourself to FEEL. It’s in the nature of human beings, and it is okay.
• Know yourself. Completely. Be able to make a distinction between a rough day, a rough little while, and depression. Know when you need to reach out to someone for help.