A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘funny’

How to Argue Effectively

Haven’t you always wanted to know how to argue effectively? I came across this, and given my fun sense of humor, found it hilarious. I had to share it with you.

How to argue effectively
By Dave Barry

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You
too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display
your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several
large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian
economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering
searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.

Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The
average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is
$1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford
Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my
bathroom.”

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As
it were
Qua
Ipso facto
Ergo
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”,
and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.” Here’s how to
use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to
order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let
me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians,
they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have
enough money per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You’re begging the question.
You’re being defensive.
Don’t
compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy
wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Don’t forget the classic: YOU’RE SO LINEAR.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You’re begging the question.

——————–

You say: Liberians, like most Asians…

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You’re being defensive.

——————–

You say: Since the discovery of the incandescent light bulb…

Your opponent says: The light bulb is an invention.

You say: Well DUH!

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind
me of Adolf Hitler.”

Source: http://home.tiac.net/~cri_d/cri/1998/argue.html

Don’t Take That Picture!

This cracked me up. Particularly because I’m guilty of some of them. Or a lot of them. Or all of them. Whatever.

The Oatmeal is so great. So many great comics. They’re painfully realistic, really. Just look.

7 things you really dont need to take a photo of – The Oatmeal – StumbleUpon.

 

Don’t you lie to me. You’re guilty, aren’t you? Of how many? Which ones? TELL ME!

Couples Dynamics – StumbleUpon

Source: Couples dynamics – StumbleUpon.

Water is Dangerous – StumbleUpon

 

H2O: Dangerous Chemical!

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

  1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

  • Forty-three (43) said yes,
  • six (6) were undecided,
  • and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

 

Source: Water is dangerous – StumbleUpon.

Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About – StumbleUpon

This is just too hilarious. The list is long, and this isn’t all of it. I’ve highlighted some of my favourites for your skimming/scanning pleasure. My comments are italicized, and purple.

  • The way one should cut a Kiwi Fruit in half (along its length or across the middle).
  • Leaving the kitchen door open (three times a day that one, minimum).
  • The best way to hang up washing.
  • Those little toothpaste speckles you make when you brush your teeth in front of the mirror. This bothers me.
  • I eat two-fingered Kit-Kats like I’d eat any other chocolate bars of that size, i.e., without feeling the need to snap them into two individual fingers first. Margret accused me of doing this, ‘deliberately to annoy her’. Ahahahaha. 
  • Which way – the distances were identical – to drive round a circular bypass (this resulted in her kicking me in the head from the back seat as I drove along).
  • The amount of time I spend on the computer. (OK, fair enough.)
  • First Born’s name (Jonathan). Then, when that was settled…
  • How to pronounce First Born’s name. I’m clearly uninformed. There are multiple ways to pronounce “Jonathan” now?
  • Our telephone number.
  • Which type of iron to buy (price wasn’t an issue, it was the principle, damnit).
  • Where to sit in the cinema. On those occasions when we a) manage to agree to go to the cinema together and, b) go to see the same film once we’re there. (No, really). This is just funny. 
  • Whether her cutting our son’s hair comes under ‘money-saving skill’ or ‘therapy in the making’.
  • Shortly after every single time Margret touches my computer, for any reason whatsoever, I have to spend twenty minutes trying to fix crashes, locked systems, data loses, jammed drives, bizarre re-configurations and things stuck in the keyboard. There then follows a free and frank exchange of views with, in my corner, ‘It’s your fault,’ and, in hers, ‘It’s a curious statistical anomaly.’
  • Margret enters the room. The television is showing Baywatch. Margret says, ‘Uh-huh, you’re watching Baywatch again.’ I say, ‘I’m not watching, it’s just on.’ Repeat. For the duration of the programme. And no one figured turning the tv off would make sense? Oh. Okay.
  • She wants to paint the living room yellow. I have not the words.
  • Margret doesn’t like to watch films on the TV. No, hold on – let me make sure you’ve got the inflection here: Margret doesn’t like to watch films on the TV. She says she does, but years of bitter experience have proven that what she actually wants is to sit by me while I narrate the entire bleeding film to her. ‘Who’s she?’, ‘Why did he get shot?’, ‘I thought that one was on their side?’, ‘Is that a bomb’ – ‘JUST WATCH IT! IN THE NAME OF GOD, JUST WATCH IT!’ The hellish mirror-image of this is when she furnishes me, deaf to my pleading, with her commentary. Chair-clawing suspense being assaulted mercilessly from behind by such interjections as, ‘Hey! Look! They’re the cushions we’ve got.’, ‘Isn’t she the one who does that tampon advert?’ and, on one famous occasion, ‘Oh, I’ve seen this – he gets killed at the end.’ THIS drives me CRAZY. Babe sort of asks me questions as we watch movies. I just regard them as rhetorical questions. Sometimes, if the question is interesting, or seems like it needs answering, I answer it. That’s less than 50% of the time. 
  • Margret thinks I’m vain because… I use a mirror when I shave. Does Margret look at her legs when she shaves them? I want to know. During this argument in the bathroom – our fourth most popular location for arguments, it will delight and charm you to learn – Margret proved that shaving with a mirror could only be seen as outrageous narcissism by saying, ‘None of the other men I’ve been with,’ (my, but it’s all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that) ‘None of the other men I’ve been with used a mirror to shave.’
    ‘Ha! Difficult to check up on that, isn’t it? As all the other men you’ve been with can now only communicate by blinking their eyes!’ I said. Much later. When Margret had left the house. His unheard response. Ahahahahahahaa.
  • The TV Remote. It is only by epic self-discipline on both our parts that we don’t argue about the TV Remote to the exclusion of all else. It does the TV Remote a disservice to suggest that it is only the cause of four types of argument, but space, you will understand, is limited so I must concentrate on the main ones.
    1) Ownership of the TV Remote: this is signified by its being on the arm of the chair/sofa closest to you – it is more important than life itself.
    2) On those blood-freezing occasions when you look up from your seat to discover that the TV Remote is still lying on top of the TV, then one of you must retrieve it; who shall it be? And how will this affect (1)?
    3) Disappearance of the TV Remote. Precisely who had it last will be hotly disputed, witnesses may be called. Things can turn very nasty indeed when the person who isn’t looking for it is revealed to be unknowingly sitting on it.
    4) The TV Remote is a natural nomad and sometimes, may the Lord protect us, it goes missing for whole days. During these dark times, someone must actually, in an entirely literal sense, get up to change the channel; International Law decrees that this, “will not be the person who did it last” – but can this be ascertained? Without the police becoming involved?
  • See if you can spot the difference between these two statements:
    (a) “Those trousers make your backside look fat.”
    (b) “You’re a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision – depressingly far removed from the, ‘stupid, squeaky, pocket-sized English women,’ who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you.”
    Maybe the acoustics were really bad in the dining room, or something. Oh, this poor man. He has no idea, does he?
  • She keeps making me carry tampons around – ‘Here, have these, just in case.’
    ‘Oooooooh, why can’t you carry them?’
    ‘I’ve got no pockets.’
    Then, of course, I forget about them. And the next time I’m meeting The Duchess of Kent or someone I pull a handkerchief out of my pocket and shower feminine hygiene products everywhere. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  • She really over-reacts whenever she catches me wearing her underwear. *takes really long pause* Okay.
  • Now, what you have to realise is that this was from nowhere, OK? Don’t think there were previous conversations or situations that put this in context. Oh no. Just imagine the, ‘What the f…?’ moment you’d have been standing in if your partner had said this to you, because you’d have had as much preparation as I did. So, it’s just after Christmas and Margret’s moaning about her present (I forget what it was, a Ferrari, I think – but in the wrong colour or something), um, actually, let me come back to this, that reminds me… This man is HILARIOUS. LOL.
  • Presents. Before every birthday, Christmas or whatever I’ll say, ‘What do you want?’ And Margret will say, ‘Surprise me.’ And I’ll reply, ‘Noooooo, just tell me what you want. If I guess it’ll be the wrong thing, it’s always the wrong thing.’ And then she’ll come out with that, ‘No, it won’t. It’ll be what you chose, and a surprise, that’s what’s important,’ nonsense. And I’ll say, ‘Sweetest, you say that now, but come Christmas morning it’ll be, “What the hell were you thinking?” again, won’t it?’ And she replies, ‘No. It. Won’t.’ And I say, ‘Yes, it will.’ And she says, ‘Don’t patronise me.’ And the neighbours freeze in their seats for a moment next door, before jumping up and removing anything they have on the shelves on the adjoining wall. And, in the end, Margret gets her way. And I hunt around in utter desperation for two months for something before finally finding the one item that will work at 7.30pm on Christmas Eve for a cost of twenty-three-and-a-half thousands pounds. And on Christmas morning it’s, ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ But anyway. Join the man club, buddy.
  • Back at the previous item, it’s just after Christmas and Margret’s going on about her present, which was, you’ll recall, a necklace of a single diamond suspended on a delicate chain of white gold and sapphires. And this is what I hear come out of her mouth – ‘Why didn’t you get me a wormery, I dropped enough hints?’ You what?
  • When Margret used to go shopping and she’d see, for example, a pair of jeans in a department store, do you know what she used to do? Try them on. I think you’re all with me here, but just for anyone who’s joined us late, I don’t mean she’d go to the changing rooms and try them on. That would be a preposterous idea wouldn’t it? No, she’d just get undressed there in the middle of the sales floor to try them on. It took me some considerable time to persuade her that this wasn’t normal behaviour in Britain, despite what she might have seen on Benny Hill. Even then, she only stopped – amid much eye-rolling and, ‘You and your silly social conventions,’ head shaking – to humour me. It rubs a tiny circle from the misted-up window through which you can view the tormented, horizonless landscape that is My World to mention that I’d entirely forgotten about all this until someone sent me a email yesterday that accidentally exhumed the memory. With Margret this kind of thing just gets drowned out by the general noise. I wouldn’t be surprised if, a few months from now, I’m here writing, ‘Ahhh – that reminds me of Margret’s role in the John Lennon shooting…’
  • Wherever I’m standing is where Margret needs to be standing, and vice versa. Doesn’t matter where we are – the kitchen, the bathroom, Scotland – we each infuriatingly occupy the space where the other one wants to be, urgently. Over the years we’ve developed signals for this situation. Mine is to stand behind her and mutter under my breath. Margret’s is to shoulder-charge me out of the way. I think I like this Margret person. Hahahaha.
  • A Few Concepts Margret Continues To Have Trouble Assimilating:
  1. It’s possible to stop buying plants.
  2. Can you please leave me alone, I’m on the lavatory.
  3. Ikea is just another shop.
  4. asked you if you wanted any, I asked you – now stop eating it off my plate.
  5. One may have a thought and not say it. This does not make me insular, it merely separates me from you and that mad woman who’s always shouting at the pigeons outside the supermarket.
  6. They’re just nail clippings. Nail clippings must be the most inert thing on the planet, how can anyone seriously have a problem with nail clippings? You might as well freak out with, ‘Bleuuuurrggh – helium!’ Really – just get a hold of yourself. So you’ve walked barefoot across the bathroom and you find this has resulted in a nail clipping or two sticking to the bottom of your foot; well, simply brush them off into the bin – they’re just nail clippings.
  • Just for reference; if Margret returns from having her hair cut and says, ‘What do you think?’ and you reply, ‘I’d love you whatever your hair was like,’ well, that’s very much The Wrong Answer, OK?
  • ‘Get your hands off me – you’re freezing.’ Ahahahaha. I relate to this. In the opposite way. It’s usually super hot here, and as much as we want to be close, sometimes it feels gross. I guess…
  • ‘I’m nearly there.’ Yeah. Right. This drives me crazy when it’s a lie.

  • I came home from work on Friday and, as I wearily opened the door into the house, Second Born, Peter, heard me entering and poked his head out of the living room.
    ‘Hello, Papa – I’ve missed you,’ he shouts. From within the living room Margret’s voice calls out to him ‘No you haven’t, Peter.’

    You’re all up for testifying for me in court, right? Ahahahahaha

    Want to read more? Link below.

Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About – StumbleUpon.

Four Random Commercials I Like

Some of my favourite commercials in recent times:

Close enough just isn’t good enough…

 

And they try to pick ME up? EWWW! …I’m really hard to get!

 

Frownnned upon… In this establishment!

 

Daddy, okaaay!

Husbands and Children Are Funny

This post, from Blogging Dangerously, is just too hilarious not to share.

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1. Last Friday night I was thrown into Twitter Jail.  I walked out of my office and my husband asked, “What’s wrong?” I told him and he said, “Don’t get your hopes up.”  Apparently he’s ALSO aware of what’s expected of him in Twitter Jail.

2. My 6 year old daughter got my mediterranean genes (okay, I’m only 25% italian but my husband is PASTY!) and gets extremely tan in the summer.  The other night my husband (a staunch Republican) commented on how brown she’d gotten.  “I may be brown, but I still don’t like Barack Obama!” she said.  We all laughed hysterically but I was pretty proud of the fact that she’s made it to 6 years old and thinks that the only difference between the races is a healthy application of sun screen

3. It’s been HOT here lately.  My home office (i.e. the spare bedroom – which is only spare because the boys and girls share rooms) is about 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the house because I have to keep the door shut to keep the creeps kids out so I’ve taken to wearing my new sportsbras as shirts.  I just walked into the kitchen and my husband looked at me like he needed something, “Yes?” I asked.  Then I recognized the look he was giving me. “I mean ‘No.'” I told him.  He laughed and said, “What do you mean porkchop?”

4. I’m making my sons write stories every day that fill at least one page of an 8.5″x11″ notebook. My husband thinks it’s summer vacation and I’m mean.  The first day the boys bitched and moaned and called me names and turned in stories that were 5 lines of text with 23 lines of “illustrations.”  And then they got into it. Two days ago my oldest wrote a story about alien invaders being repelled by an incumbent army.  In the last paragraph it’s revealed that the “alien invaders” are actually microbes and the incumbent army are actually white blood cells!   Take that Mister “It’s Summer Can’t You Just Leave Them Alone?”

5. I took the kids to the beach today but my husband stayed home to do some yardwork, including shaping some of the shrubbery in our front yard.  We got home late and the kids were exhausted but as we passed by one of the bushes my 4yo glanced up, nodded and said, “Nice Haircut.” and kept walking.

6. I shouldn’t have laughed but at dinner tonight my 4yo daughter excused herself very politely to go to the bathroom.  She walked down the hall but came back immediately.  I looked at her curiously.  “I thought I had to poop but I just had to toot.” she said.

7. We went out for dinner on Friday night to a very old and historic pizzeria in the North End of Boston.  The food was delicious and after a day of walking through the city we were exhausted.  We all sat there in a food coma until my daughter said, “Let’s blow this clam shack.”

8. Saturday my husband’s friend and his new wife met us at the beach for a day of sun and fun.  Then we moved inside for dinner and several drinks. (I was drinking Diet Coke.)  When it was time to leave I took the driver’s seat.  My son asked for help buckling his car seat.  My husband reached over the center console from the passenger side.  “I can’t get it.” he told my son.  “I bet those beers didn’t help.” my son answered.

9. My sons started football tonight.  My son – who cannot sit still for .3 seconds – listened to the offense and then answered every single question correctly about where the ball was, was supposed to be and where the holes are.  Alle-fucking-luiah I think we finally found something that can match his enthusiasm.

10. My ipad shipped from China.  It is on a 12+ hour flight to California.  I KNOW this and yet I have clicked refresh on the tracking site approximately 75,000 times since it left at 7am this morning.  I am to get to 100,000 because… iPAD. *squee*

 

Hyperbole and a Half: How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood

Hyperbole and a Half: How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood.

Have yourself a Funny little Friday! This story is a must read! Clicky the linky!

Still life: Bent objects » OWNI.eu

 

 

 

 

This is just too funny. Just what I needed this morning. A good little laugh. (I had to make it little since I’m at work, with actual work-ish things to do.)

Still life: Bent objects » OWNI.eu, News, Augmented.

Funny Poem

This always cracked me up when I was little. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to recite the whole thing. I haven’t heard it enough times, and I’ve definitely never seen it in print. Maybe I’ll learn it now that I have it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,
I’ll tell you a tale I know nothing about;
The Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight;
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A blind man came to watch fair play,
A mute man came to shout “Horray!”
A deaf policeman heard the noise and
Came and killed those two dead boys.

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,
In a two-story house on a vacant lot;
A man with no legs came walking by,
and kicked the lawman in his thigh.

He crashed through a wall without making a sound,
into a dry creek and suddenly drowned;
The long black hearse came to cart him away,
But he ran for his life and is still gone today.

I watched from the corner of the big round table,
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable;
But if you doubt my lies are true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.