A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘funny’

Wordless Wednesday: Cousins!

By the dolphin fountain at Atlantis, Paradise Island

By the dolphin fountain at Atlantis, Paradise Island

 

On a wall by a seagrape tree near Fort Charlotte, Nassau

On a wall by a seagrape tree near Fort Charlotte, Nassau

 

Reblogged: CPR

This cracked me up when I saw it a few weeks ago.

Valentine’s Day 2011

I went to work, as usual. Nothing special. I don’t remember whether or not flowers or other special treats were delivered to other people in the store. I probably didn’t notice. I didn’t care. Nothing had arrived for me. No one had thought of me.

I was dating someone, but he was on his way out. I was no longer interested. I’d lost interest shortly after Christmas. For some reason, I was very lazy about getting out of the relationship. I just made myself unavailable and become almost comatose. Unresponsive. He was just not the right person for me. He was nice enough, but it just didn’t work. We just didn’t click. He was quite happy, but me? No. He was busy. He worked, worked, worked. He had a child. I wasn’t really interested in step-mothering. His values were not in line with mine. Above all else was money. Becoming a millionaire. Like an obsession. I was appalled.

I met someone. I met her months before things started to really break down. She was a friend. Then, she became a really good friend. Soon enough, I was enamored. Now, don’t get the wrong idea. There was no rebound. There was no stealing. There was no plan. One thing just fell apart, and another came together.

One of the ladies in the front office came to my office carrying a little gift bag. In it was a bottle of tequila (*swoons*), two cupcakes, and a card. They were from her. It was Valentine’s Day. And she thought of me. Enough to pick out some of my favourite things. For me. I didn’t even want to eat the cupcakes. They were so pretty. And so special. She was so special. And she still is.

Later that night, he called.

“You ain’ even mention the flowers and shits what I sent you.”

I held the phone to my ear, waiting for the punchline.

Silence.

“What?”

“The shits what I send you. You ain’ say thanks or nuttin.”

“First of all, don’t swear at me. Secondly, what are you talking about? I got nothing from you.”

He seemed pretty surprise. Shocked, really. That I didn’t get “the shits” that he sent. It did not take long to realize what had happened.

“Stop jokin’! You ain’ get the stuff what I sen’? I sen’ it to Donald’s Furniture!”

“Um…” I stifled my laughter before saying, “I don’t work at Donald’s Furniture. I work at Roberts…”

I hope the “Alicia” at Donald’s Furniture enjoyed the flowers “and shits” sent by a man who was too busy trying to be a millionaire to pay attention to where THIS Alicia worked. I thoroughly enjoyed my cupcakes, loved the card, and still smile when I see the bottle of tequila in our kitchen that she and I only open for very special occasions. In ten days, we’ll be celebrating our first year together, so we’ll welcome Jose Cuervo – the only man allowed to live with us – to join us.

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! Wishing you lots of pretty flowers, yummy chocolate, presents in tiny boxes, and looove.

Got any good Valentine’s Day stories? Do tell! 🙂

Vix wrote and shared a good V-Day short story in this post. She has a V-Day theme going on this week, so keep checking it out. Especially on Thursday for my guest post with a surpriiiiise for yooou.

Wordless Wednesday: Busy!

Guest Post Tuesday! (Ruthie’s Advice)

Have I ever told you about Ruthie? She’s this really cool chica who lives in the Netherlands. How cool is that?! The NETHERLANDS! They ride bikes and ish there. I wanna go there. She’s really nice, but she still hasn’t sent me a ticket. But that’s okay. I think she’s gonna send it to me for Christmas. I think…

Anyway, Ruthie is really cool. Did I mention that? She’s funny too. Her posts are funny to read. They’re light and fluffy like clouds. But not the gray kind. The white, pretty clouds. Ruthie is SOOO freaking nice that she did a guest post for me. AGAIN! Sweet, right?! You’re gonna love it. If you missed the first one, click here. It’s about Acid Rain. This one is about… DUN DUN DUNNNNN… THE END!

2012: The Beginning of the End

2012 has only just begun. I know this year is going to be so exciting; it’s going to be so different. There’s a great surprise in store for all of us… The world is going to end! Oh my gosh! Don’t cry!

Yes, I’m so sorry. You actually thought this post was going to be happy with a lot of flowers, cute smilies, sunshine and all that. Instead it’s a little bit sad because I just told you the world is going to end. We are all going to vanish. Poof! The world will be gone in a second, just like the cute foggy clouds coming from your mouth when it’s cold.

When you live where it’s so hot you can fry eggs on your pavement you have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s okay. Don’t feel bad about that.

Maybe you can still turn this year into a great year.

That’s what this post is all about. I’m resolved to help you make this year the best year of your life, because this is your last.

First I will say that I absolutely don’t believe the world is going to end in 2012. That is just not funny, it’s not practical, it’s stupid, it’s weird and like I said, it’s just not practical. Think about it, the Mayans said the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012. Well, I don’t like that date. They could have said the 27th or so, just for me, because I still want my Christmas presents. I just like Christmas. I’m pretty sure the Mayans needed something to laugh about because they were bored, so someone came up with that funny joke.

Even though I don’t believe the world is going to end, I want to be nice and sweet to those of you who do believe it is all going to end this year. So here I am. I will help you make the most of it.

Don’t cry because of the sad Mayan news. Dry your tears and try to smile every so often, you will feel better when you do and you will look much prettier, trust me.

It is ridiculously important you carefully follow my instructions. If they sound mean, then that’s because they are mean. Just wanted you to know… (more…)

11 Reasons for Disliking Beyonce

I don’t like Beyonce. In fact, I intensely dislike her. A lot of people are shocked by this, and it has nothing to do with me, or who I am. People just expect that everyone likes the wench. Not me. No sirree. Why? Well, let me give you my top 11 reasons.

Note: If you a fan of hers, and you are easily offended, you may not want to proceed. Also, my reasons are very skin-deep. If you’re expecting something groundbreaking or really intellectual, don’t bother. It’s not here. I’m working through grief in an odd way. I’m finding myself very angry, and I have to direct it somewhere, right? Yeah. So I pick Beyonce.

  • Destiny’s Child. Remember them? Remember the other people in the “group” or not? I don’t understand why the “group” existed since, really, she was the singer, and the girls were her backup. She had all of the lyrics. She was always in front of them. Why, why, why? Just BE A SOLO ARTIST. Don’t have other talented women as your friggin’ background goons.
  • Self-centred. She is far too into herself. You can see it. It drips off of her. From Destiny’s Child days. (Ok, so I’m a little bitter about those days. Kelly and Latoya should have had more shine, ok?!)
  • Fake. She is far too fake. I’m convinced that the voice she uses in interviews is not her real speaking voice. Use your real voice, Beyonce! And if that IS her real voice, her lousy, fake-sounding voice is a good reason not too like her too.
  • The stupid little fake laugh she does. Ih-hih-hih. It’s not even long enough. There is no real laughness in it. You know? Like, really, if you don’t think something is funny, don’t fake a laugh. She does it at questions. It’s like a time-killer. A moment to think. Oh, I think I’ll fake a little laugh first, and maybe by then, I can use my fake voice, reserved only for interviews, to give some lame answer where I’m probably gonna lie.
  • It's like he never fully recovered from an allergic reaction...

    Jay-Z. Seriously, Beyonce?! You. And Jay-Z. Are in love. No. No, no, no. I am not accepting that. You two have combined to form some sort of super power that is even greated than the devil. You are so hungry for fame and being important that you are willing to give birth to the anti… Anyway. Whatever.

  • Illuminati. Yeah. That’s right. If it exists, she and her stupid husband are at the forefront.
  • The stylist clearly forgot to relax, bleach + colour, and flat iron

    Weave. It is horrible. I mean… She has money! She can afford the good stuff. The length is too much. The colour is horrible. The texture. How dry it is. The amount… Just… No. Is is SUPPOSED to look real?! WHERE IS YOUR HAIR, BEYONCE?! *whispers* Do you have any?

  • Stupid, stupid, stupid, awful songs. I refuse to list any because that would mean I’d have to think of them too intently. One that is already in mind is that horrid onnne. and. onnne. is [screechy, high-pitched, annoying voice] TWO! I’n. gat [same stupid voice] YOU. A neighbour was playing this loudly one night, and I seriously wanted it to be Beyonce herself, singing the song outside my window, so that I could cut her (voice out). Yeah. It’s that serious.
  • Pregnancy. Seriously. She felt the need to announce it THAT way? Really now… Not necessary. Then she proceeded to have performances where she wore the most ridiculous shoes. (Like she hasn’t fallen WITHOUT being pregnant. HA!) Do you CARE about your baby, Beyonce? Oh, right. I almost forgot. You’re the most amazingly great person ever, you know all things, and nothing bad would ever happen to you or your baby. Even if you booty-shake like the last stripper on earth in shoes high enough to dislodge your womb. Right. How could I forget that?
  • Fans. Stans. She has to be the only person who has these ridiculously fight-ready people following her. They are deep in her life, counting her menstrual cycles, memorizing lyrics to all of her songs, doing choreography of her videos (mentally or physically) every time her songs play, and prepared to assault (verbally and physically) anyone who does not believe her to be the queen. Of anything.
  • Beyonce. Just look at it. If ANYone ever needed a stage name, it was HER. YUCK. It sounds like an awful bodily fluid that could suffucate a person. Just saying.

*steps back* Hmmm… That got a little messy, didn’t it? *brushes dust from hands* Ok. All set. Now let me have your thoughts. 🙂

Do you like Beyonce? Why? (If you don’t like her, I totally get it!) Do you intensely dislike any celebrities?

Wordless Wednesday: Binder Clips

 

 

All of a sudden, WP is giving me major issues when I try adding pictures, video, etc. I managed to get the pictures up, but without the hilarious captions. PLEASE go to the source to get the full effect. Then come back here and leave your LOLs in the comments. 🙂

Source: 6 Life-Changing Uses for Binder Clips (That You Couldve Easily Thought Of)… – StumbleUpon.