A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘funeral’

The Stuff of This Week

It’s been a while, I know. Things are kinda crazy. Here’s what’s up:

  • My great-grandmother died on Monday. We weren’t close. I didn’t grow up with that side of the family. I talk about my great-grandmother often, but that my dad’s dad’s mother. She’s 92, healthy, fiesty, and fun. Barr, on the other hand, was 95 (Yeah, longevity is kind of a thing in my family), and seemed to be dying for a long time. She had Alzheimer’s or something of the sort. The last time I saw her, I think, was at my aunt’s wedding reception about two years ago. Anyway, her funeral is on Saturday.
  • Took my dress to the dry cleaners today. My sister borrowed it months ago, and I just got it back yesterday. And not in the condition I lent it in. I’m slightly annoyed, but blame myself. I never lend out anything I want back. People just don’t care for your things the way they do their own. It’s annoying. I hope the cleaners get the makeup stains (UGH!) out, and do NOT damage the gorgeous embellished neckline. I’ll post pictures if it looks fine, and I end up wearing it on Saturday.
  • Jobs! I need one! Something I thought would never came through actually did. It’s now a viable option, but it won’t pay very well. And there’s really no room for it to grow. The pros include the short work day (8:30 to 1 or so), it’s something I enjoy, and leaves me with time to write. It would just become very necessary for me to supplement my income, especially if we ever wanna save enough money to move. The other option… It’s more stable and pays more, but I have no idea when it starts. There are about 3 months of training, and after that, I’d remain a trainee until promotions come out. The major pro for that job is the possibility of being transferred to another island, rent-free. Hellooooo, Savings, and hellooooo, new country of residence! Babe and I will have to discuss, and figure things out.
  • My cousin is away for about a week. That means a full week of work for me. YAY! Income! I’m not making loads of cash, but I can pay bills, and buy grocery. This is good.
  • I neeeed to start working out again. It’s SO hot. It’s really hard to get out there and run, but I GOTTA. I’m feeling lousy. This always happens when I don’t exercise. I also need to practice yoga. At least I can do that indoors. I have a great book that helps refresh my memory, so I practice what we did in class. There’s no class during the summer. Looking forward to it starting again in September. Oh, and being able to afford it! Hahaha.
  • Writing. It’s come to a screeching halt. Things got uncomfortable at home with some mishaps and plumbing issues, and then I got sick. My energy level has been terrible, so I haven’t been getting much done outside of the work day. I need to get back on track. There are deadlines to meet, a class to complete, and publishing goals to be met!

  • Got an email from the Community Liaison of NaNoWriMo. They got my application to be the Municipal Liaison for The Bahamas. There wasn’t one last year, so I probably have a good chance of being chosen for this year. It should be fun, and give me a chance to meet other writers. Always good to network, right? And I’m hoping to be able to convince Babe to join in the fun. She could even write 50,000 words worth of songs if she wants too. I just think it would be cool to take on the challenge together. And, of course, she could accompany me to the events I’d have to plan as ML, and then I could always say that ONE person showed up. Hahaha.
  • My brother is hilarious. We share a ridiculous sort of humour. At one point, we were quipping back and forth, and he said, “No one in the world as miserable as us!” It was pretty funny because we were talking about not wanting to be bothered by or with anyone, and not being interested in hearing any belly-aching or complaining this week. Oh, even funnier, I was complaining about the graveyard part of the funeral. I don’t get why families WATCH the casket as it is lowered into the ground. I told him it’s medieval. He said, “What? Medieval?” I said, “Yes! Archaic!” He said, “Listen to me… You and me been to the school right, but you been to college on top of that. You need to take it easy on me with these jokes.” I couldn’t stop laughing. Then he added, “You have a whole college class of people you could crack your college-level jokes with. You and Daddy always have me rollin’ with dictionary.” Too funny!
  • I feel like I need some things to look forward to right now. I decided to come up with a little list. Here it is:
    • New job – Whatever it may end up being
    • Getting my next assignment done, and getting feedback
    • The Color Run in Orlando (Hoping that we can make it!)
    • Watching The Bourne Legacy and the Timothy Green movies with Babe on the weekend
    • Getting in some beach time this weekend
    • Starting my 5k training again, and feeling better about myself
    • Making lasagna (as soon as our kitchen plumbing issue is resolved)
    • Ordering and receiving The 3am Epiphany, and having fun going through the writing exercises
    • Spending lots of time with Babe (SO glad she’s back!)

Any craziness going on with you this week? Any weekend plans? What are you looking forward to?

Therapy Post

Never too many flowers for Grammy. The wreaths completely covered her grave. But we'll keep her memory uncovered. Never to be forgotten.

It’s been a while, I know. I’ve had quite a rough time. I would like for it to end. I really thought that Saturday would bring it to a close, and I would go to sleep, and magically, on Sunday morning, all would be right with the world. No.such.luck. I woke up, yes. But nothing was right. I felt out of it. I still had a killer headache. I curled up on the couch and just slept. I read a little, but mostly? I just slept. I woke up when it was past the time that I should have been on the road, on my way to the weekly FamJam. I refused to be early. I didn’t want anyone to talk about it.

I didn’t want to hear how beautiful the service was. I didn’t want anyone to mention how “good” she looked. How good could she look, laying in a box? I mean, there’s no denying that she was a beautiful woman. Beyond beautiful. But don’t insult me. Or her. Don’t say she looked good, laying there, dead, in a really expensive, beautiful box. No. I don’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear people tease about how my mother went up with her twin brother to read a responsive prayer, but didn’t actually read anything. I didn’t want anyone to jest about anything. It was a funeral. It was somber. It was a rough time for everyone. There is really no need to rehash it.

I didn’t want anyone to comment on the fact that a lot of dignitaries were present. My uncle is kind of a big deal here, so yes, ministers of the gospel and ministers of government departments were there. I didn’t want people to say how good the Prime Minister looked for a change. Or how nice it was for the Deputy Prime Minister to attend, although he was on crutches. Or how the political divide was absent as the leader of the Opposition was also there. I didn’t want anyone to go on and on about how respected my uncle must be, to have so many people in their uniforms there, in support of him. Or my sister’s coworkers who were also there in a large number, uniformed. Or my mother’s friends who were not in uniform, but were there, nonetheless. They were there to help me from the graveside to the car. To tell me that things would be okay. To remind me to be strong for my mother. To give warm hugs. To assure me that I could call them any time. How kind, to be there for her, and for me too. How kind. What true friends.

I wanted to hear no talk of the beautiful solos. That lady really sang. She saaang. Like there would be no tomorrow. The words she sand penetrated my body, and seemed to fight to get out of my system, but they were trapped, and my body shook. I didn’t want anyone to bring it to my recollection. I didn’t want to think about it, or experience it again. The way I cried with no control. I didn’t want to hear, even in my mind’s ear, the sounds that escaped my mouth. Knowing that I’ve never cried like that before. Not at a funeral. I’m accustomed to crying quietly. No one around me would ever know I was crying unless they saw my tear-stained face. But not that day. That day, people saw the vibrations of pain and grief move my body, beyond my control. People heard the sounds of anguish and struggle exit my mouth, surprising even me. When that lady sang the second solo, I could have curled up and died. Great is thy faithfulness? Who’s faithfulness? Who was more faithful than my Grammy? WHO?! GOD?! God has been faithful in watching and letting us suffer through her illness with her, and taking her away from us, leaving us to continue to suffer without her. Yes, she’s out of it now. But only after immense pain. Maybe she was holding on for us? I don’t know… Maybe His faithfulness is great. I just know that hearing her sing about it… It was almost too much for me to take. I saw my mother, two rows ahead of me, shake, similar to the way that I shook. I saw my father wipe his face with a handkerchief. I remembered that Great is Thy Faithfulness was my grandfather’s (his father’s) favourite song. A priest sang it at his funeral. And the church became a forest of waterfalls.

I didn’t want to fall victim to looks of pity. Or questions like, “How are you doing?” Especially knowing that it was written on my face. My swollen, red eyes told the story of my day. My constant squinting was evidence of the seemingly eternal headache. My tight mouth was an indication of the fight I was in, against myself, to keep from crying. My nose, red and chapped… My hair, unkempt. My dress, unthought of. My legs, unlotioned. How was I doing? As well as a pauper on the street, perhaps?

For all those reasons and more, I refused to go early. I ate in a rush and left the table. Avoiding all conversation. All questions. All eyes. I left. I curled myself up on the couch, and mindlessly watched television. Dragons Den came on. I was pleased. Something that I could watch with the right amount of thoughtfulness and the right amount of thoughtlessness. I watched two episodes. Then there was nothing. I moved into the room without a television. I curled up on the couch with my new nook and read a little. My mother’s friends came to visit her. How nice! I wondered to myself, Will I ever have friends like hers? (Can you tell? I don’t have many friends. At all. There are just a few. I figure I have a lot of family, so no need to pile my life up with useless people. I choose friends carefully.) They drove all this way (my great-grandmother’s house is rather far) to come and see her. They brought her one of those giant greeting cards. Everyone from work signed it, along with nice little messages, telling her they missed her, and hoped to see her back to work soon, and that she needed to get well soon. (This card was not one of sympathy, but a Get Well Soon card, from she was out sick.) Along with the card came a letter-sized envelope. Cash. They took up a collection. I didn’t count it, and at the point, I don’t think she had either. Maybe they told her how much it was. After greeting them, I didn’t pay attention to their conversation. But I’m sure it’s enough to cover her next round of medication. Blessings. Finally. A reason to smile. A little less stress for her. And for me.

I was ready to go home long before it was time. I left my laundry in the washer. I couldn’t take it any more. I was ready.to.go. I got about halfway home before the tears started coming. I found myself intrigued by the way the tears dripped and dropped. Down the sides of my nose, around my mouth, and then DROP. Right onto my chest. They didn’t roll down my chin, down my neck to my chest. They just dropped. Like a jumper off of a cliff. That’s the way I wished my emotions would act. Just jump off of a cliff, never to be seen again. Over the edge, to the point of no return. Instead, they stuck around. Possibly driving me to the edge. Lord knows that if I take the plunge, there won’t be any return. I see the edge. It’s in sight. But I just.can’t.go.there. There would be no turning back.

I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I’m working at keeping busy. Lots going on at work. I haven’t been able to read any blogs. WP wouldn’t let them load. Lots of catching up to do. Those of you who miss my comments, I have not abandoned or unfollowed you. WP has been punishing me. I’ll be back. If you’ve seen any cool/fun/funny posts that I may have missed, please leave links. I could really use some good reads for my spare time. Many thanks!