A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Posts tagged ‘crying’

Crying the Parking Lot

I’m a crazy lady. This post comes to you from the driver’s seat of the car I’m using. I’m sitting in the parking lot of a restaurant, crying. Really. You know why?

1. I had some not-so-nice thoughts last night. I realized that I don’t have much support in my life. I was used to it, but then people came along, and I trusted them. Against my better judgment. It was better when I had walls up. I did everything on my own, needed no support, and definitely needed no approval or congratulations. I’m headed back in that direction. This way makes no sense. I do not deal well with disappointment. I refuse to talk to people who will use my words as ammunition. Against ME. I do not need anyone to tell me what I can and can’t do. I don’t need to be belittled or put down. I don’t need negativity in my life. I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m too afraid to make things happen (by the way, all the evidence says the opposite). Or that I will not wake up at the time I say I will. Or that a relationship with me is “trying.” Or that I have too many goals. Or that I’m not smart enough. Or good enough. To hell with everyone and their wretched negativity toward me and my goals. Screw them all. I WILL do whatever I want, whenever I want. However I see fit. And I do NOT see the need to talk about it. It just gives people more to throw in my face. I’m not having it. Not when I know that I am capable of doing what I want. And capable up living in my own little world with 20 foot walls up, all around. Is it the healthiest way to live? Maybe not. But emotional abuse isn’t healthy either. I had enough of it when I was a child, and now, as a grown-ass woman, I will not allow it.

2. I forgot my lunch at home.

3. I ordered lunch at work. Clearly, no one got my email. My lunch was not ordered.

4. Woman at work sent me a ridiculous accusatory email. Shortest version I can tell: I went to her for a cheque (which I emailed her about). She waved me around because she was on a call. I called someone else for permission to pay cash b/c the messenger is in a rush and waiting only on me. (he was doing me a huge favour seeing that he wasn’t supposed to be on the road at all today.) We need to pay for, pickup and deliver something urgent that I only found out about this morning. I’m thinking I solved the problem. She emailed me to “come get the cheque and get things organized.” I reply that I sent cash after getting authorization. Reply: “It would have been nice if you had told me so I wouldn’t write the cheque.” Oh. First of all, the messenger came for the cash right as a scheduled call came through. An overseas call. I was dealing with the call while dealing with him, and he even ended up calling me while I was on the other call. I really couldn’t send an email right then. There is more (expaining why I didn’t/couldn’t), but whatever.)

5. I drove to the restaurant to get what I ordered for my damn self. Of course, they’re all out. I don’t want anything left on the menu. So I walk back to the car. CRYING. My breaking point was a spicy pulled chicken wrap with black beans not being available for my lunch.

This sucks. I LIKE Mondays. *wipes tears* I will be fine. I will find something to have for lunch, and I will be fine. I just really needed to get that out.

I hope your week is off to a great start! 🙂

EDIT: I am now back in my office, after some fresh air. I am currently putting a hurtin’ on a footlong turkey breast sandwich from Subway. I also got a Coke and a chocolate chip cookie. Because I can. And I deserve it. 🙂

Crazy

Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Why is this so hard? Maybe because it’s kind of vague. I’ve had this tab open for hours. The best thing going for me definitely isn’t my decisiveness right now. Lol. I AM decisive though. Just saying.

The best thing going for me… Hmmm… Let’s go with something super generic (because my brain is lazy right now) and say PERSONALITY! WOO!

I should probably zero in on something a bit more specific. My feathers (I’m a peacock, P.S.) aren’t easily ruffled. I have a pretty quiet spirit, and usually appear to be very calm, controlled, and at peace. Particularly at work. I leave my home life at home. I don’t bring personal issues with me. I don’t take work home with me. The two are separate and apart. Things may happen at home that frustrate me, but when I get to work, I’m sort of a different person. It’s the same deal the other way around. I make a special effort not to beat anyone with the stick of another person. Everyone gets beaten with their own stick around here!

Blaaah. Nothing else to say on this one.

On another note, I had a small breakdown last night. I’ve recently been stuck taking the yucky stinky bus to and from work. 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 Yeah, that’s how sad it makes me. I thought I was coping well. Not really. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. My bicycle is still at the old place. Hopefully, we can move it tomorrow evening. THEN, I’ll have to figure out how to make it all the way to work in all the work/school traffic and avoid the highway.

Anyway, more on how much I hate the bus and why, and the route I’ll have to take later. In another post. On to my breakdown. Yesterday wasn’t too bad. I worked at this job I really dislike, but whatever. I walked downtown (25 minutes) to get the bus. For a change, it was actually there. It was full. It stayed full. It was gross. I got home, and Babe was there to greet me. I held my hands out and said, “Don’t touch me!” before the warm embrace could happen. I stripped and went in the shower. Except the water was cold. I said the-f-word. Yes, I did. SO unlike me. I usually cop out and say, “Eff,” or “Flick,” or something like that. Not yesterday evening. I said THE f-word. ENUNCIATED it. I mean, with power. Not loudly, but with power. You know when the “CK” has the extra something? It was like “Fah cryin’ out loud.” Without the “ryin’ out loud” part. Yeah. It was bad.

I flipped the heater switch and sat on the commode, bent forward so my head was between my legs, and did something. I don’t know. Maybe I cried a little? No. I think I mumbled to myself or something. Sighed a lot. Finally, I figured the water would be hot enough, so I went in the shower. I got in, and started to calm down. Eyes closed and everything. Then, it felt really hot. I opened my eyes and looked around. The bathroom door was closed. Babe closed the door! I was pissed. It seems ridiculous, I know, but I WAS. WHY close the door?! Yes, I hear you in there trying to lay down some tracks or demo songs or whatever, but why did you close the door?! Don’t you know it’s HOT in here?! Then I realized that the window wasn’t even open. I started to open it, but it was too hard for me to do because the window operator was kind of stuck between the blinds or something. This is all very melodramatic, I know. I cried. I quickly got clean, got out of the shower, opened the door, and went into the spare room. I took down the blow-up mattress and laid my towelled self onto it. I stayed there until Babe said it was time to eat. Since we needed walls and doors between us, and my crying and moaning probably wouldn’t have been good for the recording or whatever was going on. I did it for Babe. And for me. As a take-THAT in response to the closed door.

It’s weird. I know why the door was closed. I understood it. I still resented it. It was like a wall between us or something. When I needed closeness. But only AFTER a shower. I was annoyed that I wasn’t considered in the decision (yes, this is ridiculous) to close the door. The heat was not considered. THIS added to the fact that the water was not preheated for me, in anticipation of my need for a shower upon my arrival. And I rode the STINKING BUS. YUCK. And I haven’t cycled in over a week.

I know it’s all crazy. I was like a spoiled brat. It was awful. And it made me more upset/annoyed at myself/and cry more knowing that I was being ridiculous. And knowing that none of this was Babe’s fault. But poor Babe was sucked into it. I never talked about it. I didn’t say how I felt about the door (because I knew it was stupid – lol), and I didn’t say why I went into the other room. I just left it. No questions were asked. I wonder if it was noticed. Probably. I was horrible. Veryunspeaking, uninteresting, and unresponsive. I feel terrible about it. If we had gas, I would bake Babe a cake.

I’m not a crazy person. I’m really not. I just have these crazy moments every few months or something. Funny that this happened after yesterday’s post though, right?

Has one little thing ever set you off on some crazy emotional thingy? Ever known that you were being ridiculous WHILE you were being ridiculous? How do you get yourself to be rational when all you want to do is be irrational and find a reason to be annoyed with someone? (I’m dying laughing at the last question. I’m crazy. I lied.)