A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Archive for the ‘Funny Stories’ Category

Weekend Recap

I love weekends. So much chillin’. A little extra sleeping. Time to run. One of my new favourite things – yoga. Family time. It’s the perfect thing to happen between weekdays. Aaaah! Weekends!

On Saturday, I did (what is now) the usual run and yoga. I left a bit later than usual, so I did a 10 minute run instead of the usual 15 or 20 minutes. I checked my pace about halfway in, and was rather surprised. It was somewhere around 8’30”. That’s pretty fast for me. Anyway, I kept going. At the end, Tiger Woods’ voice told me that I clocked my fastest mile. WHAT?! I did WHAT?! I just did that two weeks go. I’m FASTER?! AGAIN?! I went to the history section of my Nike Fitness on my iPod and, sure enough, I’d run a 7’17” mile! This is HUGE. Just two weeks before, I ran 15 minutes without stopping for the first time. I was used to running 3″ and walking 1″. All of a sudden, I could just keep going. I am SUPER PUMPED and pleased with myself. Even though I’m not running as much as I should, I’m making progress. I feel encouraged to do more. I’m definitely going to toss all my running clothes in the car tomorrow (so I don’t have to keep doing it every day), and stop for my run on the way home. I think I should be able to do 15 minutes for the next or so, and see when I can increase to 20 minutes. Today, I shall treat myself to a giant slice of chocolate cake. ūüôā

Yoga class went really well. I felt the right amount of challenge, and the right amount of ease and relaxation. I think I may actually be gaining a lot from it. Muscle strength, self/body-awareness, relaxation… I love it. My mum told me on Friday that she’d be there, no matter what time she had to work. I’m not sure how well it worked out for her because she’s very conscientious about work and getting there on time. I think she spent a lot of time wondering what time it was, and she left before we finished the final relaxation. Hopefully, she get Saturdays off. I think I’ll call her scheduling manager and talk to her about it. I know her well, and she’s one of the sweetest people ever.

After yoga, I went to pick up my 4 year old cousin, Ryan. He’s HILARIOUS. He lives on another island with his mother, but she came for a funeral. His dad went to the funeral too, so I became the babysitter. Here are a few funny moments:

  • Randomly, in the car, he said, “Aliciaaaaa.” I said, “Yeah?” He said, “Your shoes are silly!” I had to laugh. He was talking about my Vibrams. I guess they look kinda weird. Hahaha. I didn’t know he noticed them, but didn’t comment. He must’ve known what I was thinking, because he said, “I saw them when you picked me up.” Hahahaha.
  • We passed a big parking lot where about 50 males were in line, standing at attention. They were wearing camouflage pants and black shirts. I figured they were in training to join the Defense Force (our version of marines/military). I said, “Look, Ryan! All those men are lined up. They must be practicing for something.” Ryan: “They practicing for the national anthem.” Me: “You think so?” Ryan: “Yeah. That’s how ya do it!”
  • Out of nowhere, he said, “Ma is not in charge. My daddy and me in charge.” I laughed a little. Ma is my 92 year old great-grandmother, and she is very much in charge. Of EVERYthing. She runs the show. Me: “Who told you that?” Ryan: No one. Ma is OLD. She can’t do NUTTIN.” Ahahahaha. I was glad to be on a red light, because it took me a while to stop laughing and focus on the road. Ma can do EVERYthing. She cooks, drives, cleans, travels… Hell. She just stopped working a little over a year ago! When I told his dad what he said, the response was, “Yeah, he just got here. He has no idea.” Hahahaha.
  • When I asked him what he wanted for lunch, he said, “Crabby patty, no cheese.” I asked where we get it from, and he had no answer. I asked him if Spongebob and Mr. Crab have them. He said, “Yes, but not in the BAHAMASSSSS!” Silly me.
  • He told me that he doesn’t like juice. I asked him what he likes to drink. “Root beer. It’s a soda.” Well, Ryan, thanks for clearing that up. I was worried.

On Sunday, I went to the FamJam, as usual. My good friend Vanessa was in the area, and stopped by for a minute to collect some cash. We are working on a secret project that I won’t be able to reveal to you until the upcoming weekend has passed. It’s our (Babe+me, not Vanessa… Lol) one-year anniverary weekennnnnd! ūüôā Ryan entertained me while we waited for everyone else to arrive and have lunch. The child is HILARIOUS. I don’t know how else to describe him.

What are your highlights from the weekend? Do you have any super-funny children in your life? Any one-liners you’d like to share?

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The Bus This Morning

Here are a few things that happened this morning on the bus:

  • Someone thought he was the lassst reggae all-star (Bob Marley reincarnate, maybe?), singing saying (in a dragging sort of way) the lyrics to conscious reggae songs quite loudly. I don’t understand why people do that. Why are you just slow-talking the song lyrics? Either sing it, or zip it!
  • A woman came on the bus, sat in the only seat that make the passenger face the rest of the passengers. Fine. Next, she proceeded to get dressed. She put on a shirt. Then, she switched seats. In her new seat (by the door of the bus), she spent a few minutes doing her hair. She was some sort of twisty thing where she took half of the (horse) hair (which was in fairly fine single braids) and would it around the ponyhorsetail. It had the look of when you use a bit of hair to wind around your ponytail holder to hide it. Except that it was a LOT of hair. Half the tail. It wasn’t cute.
  • When she was quite done with her hair, she switched seats again.
  • The same woman whipped out some lotion, and moisturized herself. I thought to myself, “Whatever. She can’t top the shirt thing. A lot of people probably put lotion on whenever they feel like it.” Well, she went beyond hands. She did her arms. Legs. FEET. SHE TOUCHED HER FEET. LOTIONED them. On the BUS. The PUBLIC bus. When I got over the initial shock, I laughed uncontrollably. I made about 4 attempts before I finally spoke choked in a way that Babe could understand what the heck was going on with me.
  • A student sat next to me. I noticed that her shirt was very dirty. I couldn’t understand it. Your hair is all gelled into place and the ends are all fanned out (because apparently, you, along with every other public school female student,¬†think that looks fancy or something), but your shirt has brown marks on it. Let’s say you’re short on shirts for school… It’s TUESDAY. How is your shirt dirty?! I don’t get it.
  • A student was on the bus with her hair SO not done. It’s like she woke up, put on baby powder*, got dressed, and left the house. It was in two at the top. The left side was sort of like a bun?! and the right side was just out, like it fell out of the bun. The back was just… Death. It was just all gjrigjjhltghmkg. Ya know? Matted. Like it could be a few giant dreadlocks tomorrow.
  • The back row of the bus is like a couch. It seats 4 people. There were two adults back there, and one child. Another woman got on the bus and had to sit there with them. Babe and I just heard when she said, “Go over shorty! Lemme sit down. I need space!” It was SO funny. The child was unmoving until the adult told him to move over. And the way she said it was hilarious. I think I laughed for a good minute. (This is one of those things that’s waaayyy funnier if you witness it.)
  • A woman was driving.
  • It took OVER AN HOUR to get downtown this morning. Absolutely ridiculous. It never takes that long! Is this related to the previous point? I don’t know. That woman definitely is not the best bus driver on the island. In fact, she is probably among the worst.

*This is not a joke. Students (mostly those attending public schools) put baby powder on the chests and necks. You see their faces, and then WHITE. Seriously. Don’t ask me why. I have NO idea.

Well, that’s it for me today. I’m suuuper busy. Work, work, work! I’m not sure when things will calm down. Maybe on the weekend? I am REALLY going to post pictures of the Denmark goodies tomorrow, k?

Have you had any funny experiences today? Any funny stories from your public transportation experiences?

Water is Dangerous – StumbleUpon

 

H2O: Dangerous Chemical!

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

  1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

  • Forty-three (43) said yes,
  • six (6) were undecided,
  • and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

 

Source: Water is dangerous РStumbleUpon.

Husbands and Children Are Funny

This post, from Blogging Dangerously, is just too hilarious not to share.

Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately

1.¬†Last Friday night I was thrown into¬†Twitter Jail.¬† I walked out of my office and my husband asked, “What’s wrong?” I told him and he said, “Don’t get your hopes up.”¬† Apparently he’s ALSO aware of what’s expected of him in Twitter Jail.

2. My 6 year old daughter got my mediterranean genes (okay, I’m only 25% italian but my husband is PASTY!) and gets extremely tan in the summer.¬† The other night my husband (a staunch Republican) commented on how brown she’d gotten.¬† “I may be brown, but I still don’t like Barack Obama!” she said.¬† We all laughed hysterically but I was pretty proud of the fact that she’s made it to 6 years old and thinks that the only difference between the races is a healthy application of sun screen

3. It’s been HOT here lately.¬† My home office (i.e. the spare bedroom – which is only spare because the boys and girls share rooms) is about 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the house because I have to keep the door shut to keep the¬†creeps¬†kids out so I’ve taken to wearing my new sportsbras as shirts.¬† I just walked into the kitchen and my husband looked at me like he needed something, “Yes?” I asked.¬† Then I recognized the look he was giving me. “I mean ‘No.'” I told him.¬† He laughed and said, “What do you mean porkchop?”

4. I’m making my sons write stories every day that fill at least one page of an 8.5″x11″ notebook.¬†My husband thinks¬†it’s summer vacation and I’m¬†mean.¬† The first day the boys¬†bitched and moaned and called me names and turned in stories that were 5 lines of text with 23 lines of “illustrations.”¬† And then they got into it.¬†Two days ago my oldest wrote a story about alien invaders being repelled by an incumbent army.¬† In the last paragraph it’s revealed that the “alien invaders” are actually microbes and the incumbent army are actually white blood cells!¬†¬† Take that Mister “It’s Summer Can’t You Just Leave Them Alone?”

5. I took the kids to the beach today but my husband stayed home to do some yardwork, including shaping some of the shrubbery in our front yard.¬† We got home late and the kids were exhausted but as we passed by one of the bushes my 4yo glanced up, nodded and said, “Nice Haircut.” and kept walking.

6. I shouldn’t have laughed but at¬†dinner tonight my¬†4yo daughter excused herself very politely to go to the bathroom.¬† She walked down the¬†hall but came back immediately.¬† I looked at her curiously.¬† “I thought I¬†had to poop but I just had to toot.” she said.

7. We went out for dinner on Friday night to a very old and historic pizzeria in the North End of Boston.¬†¬†The food was delicious and after a day of walking through the city we were exhausted.¬† We¬†all sat there¬†in a food coma until my daughter¬†said, “Let’s blow this clam shack.”

8. Saturday my husband’s friend and his new¬†wife met us at the beach for a day of sun and fun.¬† Then we moved inside¬†for dinner and several drinks. (I¬†was drinking Diet Coke.)¬† When it was time to leave I¬†took the driver’s seat.¬† My son asked for help buckling his¬†car seat.¬† My husband reached¬†over the center console from the passenger¬†side.¬† “I can’t get it.” he told my son.¬† “I bet those beers didn’t help.” my son answered.

9. My sons started football tonight.  My son Рwho cannot sit still for .3 seconds Рlistened to the offense and then answered every single question correctly about where the ball was, was supposed to be and where the holes are.  Alle-fucking-luiah I think we finally found something that can match his enthusiasm.

10. My ipad shipped from China.¬† It is on a 12+ hour flight to California.¬† I KNOW this and yet I have clicked refresh on the tracking site approximately 75,000 times since it left at 7am this morning.¬† I am to get to 100,000 because… iPAD. *squee*

 

Hyperbole and a Half: How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood

Hyperbole and a Half: How a Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood.

Have yourself a Funny little Friday! This story is a must read! Clicky the linky!

Funny Poem

This always cracked me up when I was little. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to recite the whole thing. I haven’t heard it enough times, and I’ve definitely never seen it in print. Maybe I’ll learn it now that I have it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,
I’ll tell you a tale I know nothing about;
The Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight;
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A blind man came to watch fair play,
A mute man came to shout “Horray!”
A deaf policeman heard the noise and
Came and killed those two dead boys.

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,
In a two-story house on a vacant lot;
A man with no legs came walking by,
and kicked the lawman in his thigh.

He crashed through a wall without making a sound,
into a dry creek and suddenly drowned;
The long black hearse came to cart him away,
But he ran for his life and is still gone today.

I watched from the corner of the big round table,
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable;
But if you doubt my lies are true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Tell Me I’m Pretty! (Day 11 of 30 Days of Truth)

Day 11 – Something people to seem to compliment you the most on

Compliments. Gotta love ’em! I have to say that I do get a lot of compliments, and it’s hard to say what most of them are for. Actually, now that I think about it, I think most of them relate to my physical appearance. They’re not about a specific feature, but people generally tell me that I’m pretty/beautiful. Don’t stop reading now. I’m not saying I’m a TKO. I’ll explain this further.

I live in The Bahamas. Men on the street holla (literally and figuratively) at women passing by a LOT. It’s almost instinctive. I always say, “Bahamian men make it impossible for Bahamian women to have a low self-esteem.” They will holla at ANY and EVERY woman they come across in the street, in the grocery store, at the mall, in the club… ANYwhere, really. What they say varies slightly.

OY! OY! LUV.LAY!

BYOO-DA-FULL! BYOO-DA-FULL!

Hey, solid! You wan’ my wallet?

SEXY! Wan’ a Pepsi?

Hey, Miss! Miss! You know you look good right?

Come here, girl, lemme hol’ you!

I often wonder if they find this method effective. Do they ever bother to approach a woman one-on-one, without yelling, and using phrases like, “Hello, you look very nice today. May I help you with your bags?” Now, this is The Bahamas… Not many women will allow a strange man to carry their bags. I’m just saying, it’s another way to go about things. I’d be more responsive to a man who speaks to me as though we are the only people in the moment at the moment, even if I refuse his offers. Instead, they yell at women in groups.

Picture this: You arrive at the grocery store. You park your car, and get out. You take about 4 steps before you notice 3 men leaning against a wall together. You only notice them because of the noise they’re making in attempting to engage you (if we can call it that). One man says, “OY! SEXY!” You ignore him and continue walking as you hear the second man say, “Dammmn, girl, you look good, eh?!” The third man says, “Mmmp, mmmp, mmmp! She fiiiiine, eh?” The first man says, “I can’t take you out, eh?” By this time, you’ve open the door and are entering the grocery store, but they continue and you head combinations of, “Hey, Miss?! I can’t take you out?!” and “You look good, hear?”

Now imagine that every time you’re in public, you experience something like that. Men on walls, in passing cars, in parked cars, in buildings you enter… Everywhere. All the time. When you go to lunch, when you cross the street to get to your car, when you go to the gas station… Got it? Congratulations. You are now, in your imagination, a woman in The Bahamas. Whether you are short, tall, light-skinned, dark-skinned, long-haired, short-haired, very thin, grossly overweight, healthy-looking… It doesn’t matter. You. Are. Getting. Attention. You. Are. Getting. Compliments. Sometimes they are weird. E.g. “You’n have no breast, but look at that assssssss! Mmmp! You look GOOD!”

Short hair, don't care!

More personally, among people I know, and people who actually have the decency to speak directly to me, face-to-face (not yelling at my back), I’m getting a lot of compliments on my new haircut. People seem to like it. A lot. Some people even go as far as saying that my beauty shows more with short hair, or note (aloud) that everyone can’t rock a short cut like mine/I do. It’s nice to hear. Especially since I don’t plan to let it get long again. At all. Ever.

 

Other things I’m complimented on fairly often include my smile, my teeth, and my eyes. I’m rarely complimented on anything other than those physical features. Oh! Since I’ve been riding my bicycle to work, random people on the street have “given me props.” People have stopped (in their cars) to say things like, “Good for you!” and “You’re smarter than the rest of us! Keep it up!” Now THAT. Is pretty cool. (To really get how cool it is, you’d have to understand how caught up most Bahamians are on status and how-would-it-look-ifs.) I think that has to be my favourite compliment, if it could be considered a compliment. For people in passing cars to feel strongly enough to stop and let me know that they think what I’m doing is awesome, and they wish they could do it (which they really can) is a great thing. Maybe the country can start changing. Maybe focus can be shifted, and energy put in the right place. Saving money and gas, putting egos aside, and putting more emphasis on physical health, the environment, and financial security. Maybe.