Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
Have I ever told you about Ruthie? She’s this really cool chica who lives in the Netherlands. How cool is that?! The NETHERLANDS! They ride bikes and ish there. I wanna go there. She’s really nice, but she still hasn’t sent me a ticket. But that’s okay. I think she’s gonna send it to me for Christmas. I think…
Anyway, Ruthie is really cool. Did I mention that? She’s funny too. Her posts are funny to read. They’re light and fluffy like clouds. But not the gray kind. The white, pretty clouds. Ruthie is SOOO freaking nice that she did a guest post for me. AGAIN! Sweet, right?! You’re gonna love it. If you missed the first one, click here. It’s about Acid Rain. This one is about… DUN DUN DUNNNNN… THE END!
2012: The Beginning of the End
2012 has only just begun. I know this year is going to be so exciting; it’s going to be so different. There’s a great surprise in store for all of us… The world is going to end! Oh my gosh! Don’t cry!
Yes, I’m so sorry. You actually thought this post was going to be happy with a lot of flowers, cute smilies, sunshine and all that. Instead it’s a little bit sad because I just told you the world is going to end. We are all going to vanish. Poof! The world will be gone in a second, just like the cute foggy clouds coming from your mouth when it’s cold.
When you live where it’s so hot you can fry eggs on your pavement you have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s okay. Don’t feel bad about that.
Maybe you can still turn this year into a great year.
That’s what this post is all about. I’m resolved to help you make this year the best year of your life, because this is your last.
First I will say that I absolutely don’t believe the world is going to end in 2012. That is just not funny, it’s not practical, it’s stupid, it’s weird and like I said, it’s just not practical. Think about it, the Mayans said the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012. Well, I don’t like that date. They could have said the 27th or so, just for me, because I still want my Christmas presents. I just like Christmas. I’m pretty sure the Mayans needed something to laugh about because they were bored, so someone came up with that funny joke.
Even though I don’t believe the world is going to end, I want to be nice and sweet to those of you who do believe it is all going to end this year. So here I am. I will help you make the most of it.
Don’t cry because of the sad Mayan news. Dry your tears and try to smile every so often, you will feel better when you do and you will look much prettier, trust me.
It is ridiculously important you carefully follow my instructions. If they sound mean, then that’s because they are mean. Just wanted you to know… (more…)
I don’t like Beyonce. In fact, I intensely dislike her. A lot of people are shocked by this, and it has nothing to do with me, or who I am. People just expect that everyone likes the wench. Not me. No sirree. Why? Well, let me give you my top 11 reasons.
Note: If you a fan of hers, and you are easily offended, you may not want to proceed. Also, my reasons are very skin-deep. If you’re expecting something groundbreaking or really intellectual, don’t bother. It’s not here. I’m working through grief in an odd way. I’m finding myself very angry, and I have to direct it somewhere, right? Yeah. So I pick Beyonce.
- Destiny’s Child. Remember them? Remember the other people in the “group” or not? I don’t understand why the “group” existed since, really, she was the singer, and the girls were her backup. She had all of the lyrics. She was always in front of them. Why, why, why? Just BE A SOLO ARTIST. Don’t have other talented women as your friggin’ background goons.
- Self-centred. She is far too into herself. You can see it. It drips off of her. From Destiny’s Child days. (Ok, so I’m a little bitter about those days. Kelly and Latoya should have had more shine, ok?!)
- Fake. She is far too fake. I’m convinced that the voice she uses in interviews is not her real speaking voice. Use your real voice, Beyonce! And if that IS her real voice, her lousy, fake-sounding voice is a good reason not too like her too.
- The stupid little fake laugh she does. Ih-hih-hih. It’s not even long enough. There is no real laughness in it. You know? Like, really, if you don’t think something is funny, don’t fake a laugh. She does it at questions. It’s like a time-killer. A moment to think. Oh, I think I’ll fake a little laugh first, and maybe by then, I can use my fake voice, reserved only for interviews, to give some lame answer where I’m probably gonna lie.
Jay-Z. Seriously, Beyonce?! You. And Jay-Z. Are in love. No. No, no, no. I am not accepting that. You two have combined to form some sort of super power that is even greated than the devil. You are so hungry for fame and being important that you are willing to give birth to the anti… Anyway. Whatever.
- Illuminati. Yeah. That’s right. If it exists, she and her stupid husband are at the forefront.
Weave. It is horrible. I mean… She has money! She can afford the good stuff. The length is too much. The colour is horrible. The texture. How dry it is. The amount… Just… No. Is is SUPPOSED to look real?! WHERE IS YOUR HAIR, BEYONCE?! *whispers* Do you have any?
- Stupid, stupid, stupid, awful songs. I refuse to list any because that would mean I’d have to think of them too intently. One that is already in mind is that horrid onnne. and. onnne. is [screechy, high-pitched, annoying voice] TWO! I’n. gat [same stupid voice] YOU. A neighbour was playing this loudly one night, and I seriously wanted it to be Beyonce herself, singing the song outside my window, so that I could cut her (voice out). Yeah. It’s that serious.
- Pregnancy. Seriously. She felt the need to announce it THAT way? Really now… Not necessary. Then she proceeded to have performances where she wore the most ridiculous shoes. (Like she hasn’t fallen WITHOUT being pregnant. HA!) Do you CARE about your baby, Beyonce? Oh, right. I almost forgot. You’re the most amazingly great person ever, you know all things, and nothing bad would ever happen to you or your baby. Even if you booty-shake like the last stripper on earth in shoes high enough to dislodge your womb. Right. How could I forget that?
Fans.Stans. She has to be the only person who has these ridiculously fight-ready people following her. They are deep in her life, counting her menstrual cycles, memorizing lyrics to all of her songs, doing choreography of her videos (mentally or physically) every time her songs play, and prepared to assault (verbally and physically) anyone who does not believe her to be the queen. Of anything.
- Beyonce. Just look at it. If ANYone ever needed a stage name, it was HER. YUCK. It sounds like an awful bodily fluid that could suffucate a person. Just saying.
*steps back* Hmmm… That got a little messy, didn’t it? *brushes dust from hands* Ok. All set. Now let me have your thoughts. 🙂
Do you like Beyonce? Why? (If you don’t like her, I totally get it!) Do you intensely dislike any celebrities?
All of a sudden, WP is giving me major issues when I try adding pictures, video, etc. I managed to get the pictures up, but without the hilarious captions. PLEASE go to the source to get the full effect. Then come back here and leave your LOLs in the comments. 🙂
I can’t have Urban Dictionary knowing me better than my blog reader, so here ya go (of course, I’ve highlighted my favourite parts):
One known for her sexual prowess
She was so good in bed I actually thought she was a prostitute…turns out she was just an alicia.
A beautiful girl who’s smart, honest and gentle, but she can also be aggressive. She likes to make random noises. She has eyes that sparkle under the light and sometimes change colour but are usually green. She loves chocolate. She rarely feels fear, she has rosy cheeks and always seems to have a gorgeous smile on her face. She’s not afraid of her sexuality. Although her hands always seem to be cold her heart is very warm, and her kiss gives a feeling like no other. <<< THIS IS DEAD ON!
alicia the most beautiful girl in the world!
Her boyfriend really cares about her.
an AMAZING girl with AMAZING boobs. usually a brunette. has a lot of fun, and is a happy person. is usually pretty confusing, and very VERY flirty. <<< FLIRTY?! ME?! Oh!
guy 1: Alicia is so HOT.
guy 2: Yeah, I know, and her TITS… man.
guy 1: But I can’t tell if she likes me!
guy 2: I know, she’s really confusing. But at least she’s hot!
I love Alicia more than life itself. <<< LAY IT ON A LITTLE THICKER!
Can be very witty and intelligent when she feels like it, and is often found with her nose in a book.
“Man, I hope I find an Alicia at Borders because she knows the best books”
alicia is the sunshine of your life. beautiful is her middle name. she is the girl your mom will tell you to marry and the girl your dad will tell you to make babies with!
A crazy but intelligent girl who also has
Feel free to share what Urban Dictionary has to say about you! Go on. Urban Dictionary yourself!
I’m not into the pop scene at all, but this is too hard to resist. Go with it.
Things that last longer (or ARE longer) that Kim Kardashian’s marriage:
- The flavour of chewing gum
- Battery of a smartphone using WiFi
- Ice cream in the freezer when the electricity is off
- Patty in the army (I don’t know if this is popular. My mother uses it as a comparison. “Well, that ain’ gonna last long as Patty in the army!”)
- A shot of alcohol
- Availability of tickets for a Michael Jackson concert
- A grain of rice standing on a hill
- The pause after Dora asks a question <—– Stolen from Twitter
- My hair
- A little old lady’s footsteps
- The word “encyclopedia”
- The name “Kardashian”
- Semester of school
- Howie Mandel’s elbow bump
- A piece of fried chicken on Survivor
- Catholic sermon
- Wireless internet connection from two floors down (This is my life.)
- My fingernails
- Line of traffic when you’re late for work
Okay, that’s all I’ve got. I told you, I’m not into this stuff. It’s a trending topic on Twitter. I had to have a little fun. Feel free to add to this list and amuse me!
Haven’t you always wanted to know how to argue effectively? I came across this, and given my fun sense of humor, found it hilarious. I had to share it with you.
How to argue effectively
By Dave Barry
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You
too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display
your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several
large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian
economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering
searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.
Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The
average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is
$1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford
Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my
Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”,
and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.” Here’s how to
use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to
order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let
me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians,
they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have
enough money per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. Q.E.D.”
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You’re begging the question.
You’re being defensive.
compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy
wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.
Don’t forget the classic: YOU’RE SO LINEAR.
Here’s how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You’re begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You’re being defensive.
You say: Since the discovery of the incandescent light bulb…
Your opponent says: The light bulb is an invention.
You say: Well DUH!
Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind
me of Adolf Hitler.”