Have I ever told you about Ruthie? She’s this really cool chica who lives in the Netherlands. How cool is that?! The NETHERLANDS! They ride bikes and ish there. I wanna go there. She’s really nice, but she still hasn’t sent me a ticket. But that’s okay. I think she’s gonna send it to me for Christmas. I think…
Anyway, Ruthie is really cool. Did I mention that? She’s funny too. Her posts are funny to read. They’re light and fluffy like clouds. But not the gray kind. The white, pretty clouds. Ruthie is SOOO freaking nice that she did a guest post for me. AGAIN! Sweet, right?! You’re gonna love it. If you missed the first one, click here. It’s about Acid Rain. This one is about… DUN DUN DUNNNNN… THE END!
2012: The Beginning of the End
2012 has only just begun. I know this year is going to be so exciting; it’s going to be so different. There’s a great surprise in store for all of us… The world is going to end! Oh my gosh! Don’t cry!
Yes, I’m so sorry. You actually thought this post was going to be happy with a lot of flowers, cute smilies, sunshine and all that. Instead it’s a little bit sad because I just told you the world is going to end. We are all going to vanish. Poof! The world will be gone in a second, just like the cute foggy clouds coming from your mouth when it’s cold.
When you live where it’s so hot you can fry eggs on your pavement you have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s okay. Don’t feel bad about that.
Maybe you can still turn this year into a great year.
That’s what this post is all about. I’m resolved to help you make this year the best year of your life, because this is your last.
First I will say that I absolutely don’t believe the world is going to end in 2012. That is just not funny, it’s not practical, it’s stupid, it’s weird and like I said, it’s just not practical. Think about it, the Mayans said the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012. Well, I don’t like that date. They could have said the 27th or so, just for me, because I still want my Christmas presents. I just like Christmas. I’m pretty sure the Mayans needed something to laugh about because they were bored, so someone came up with that funny joke.
Even though I don’t believe the world is going to end, I want to be nice and sweet to those of you who do believe it is all going to end this year. So here I am. I will help you make the most of it.
Don’t cry because of the sad Mayan news. Dry your tears and try to smile every so often, you will feel better when you do and you will look much prettier, trust me.
It is ridiculously important you carefully follow my instructions. If they sound mean, then that’s because they are mean. Just wanted you to know…
Here are a few things you can do to increase your joy this year to the max:
1.Forget the diet you’re on, the world is going to end.
Why waste your time eating like a rabbit? Why worry about your waist, your booty, or your belly? I’m serious! You can finally let all the fat hang. Think about it. Nobody cares about your butt when the end is there. They won’t look at your butt, I promise. So no more lettuce, kale, and peas. You can actually eat crisps all day. And while you’re at it, it tastes really good with chocolate. Do not restrain the yearnings of your heart. Or your stomach.
2.If you are a guy then I’m pretty sure you don’t worry as much about your belly. You drink beer every night and eat pizza while watching football. Your belly is already huge. Good, I just want to encourage you, you are on your way. Don’t let no one force you to get up and do the dishes or so. This year is all about what YOU want.
3. Get a loan. Think big. Go for at least a billion dollars. The world is going to end.
Get the loan, say you will start paying off your debt as of the 22nd of December. Smile when you say it, look happy and trustworthy and no one will notice. There is no way the bank will know about your cruel plan. When you get the loan, give me at least half of the money, just as a way of saying ‘Thank you, Ruthie!’ With the rest of the money you can buy yourself a nice little house on the prairie where it’s really pretty. I will visit the penguins of Antarctica.
4. Schedule your Christmas celebration on the 20th or so.
Do whatever you need to do to not miss out on your Christmas presents. Write notes and letters to every single person you know, it doesn’t matter if you like them or not. Say you love them and all of that, tell them you want to celebrate Christmas with them on the 20th. It’s extremely important you do it on the 20th or even earlier. To save money yourself, tell them you didn’t buy them anything, because you have a HUGE surprise for them, they will find out when it’s Christmas. That way they will be extremely excited because they know you are rich (remember the 1 billion dollars?) and I’m sure they can’t wait to see their present.
5. Sleep in as much as you want. Sleep in a lot.
If you have a job, don’t go to work. It’s okay if your boss fires you. Who cares, right? The world is going to end. Just sleep in, dream nice dreams, get some rest. Dream about sleeping in for some extra rest. Just don’t sleep in on the 21st. You don’t want to miss out on the huge end of the world event, right?! If I were you I would be up really early just to see the end coming with your own eyes. It will be so much fun!
Oh and when you’re up early, watching from your bedroom window, staring into the great sky, waiting for something to drop on the earth and destroy everything, and you notice you’ve been standing and staring for at least 23 hours…and you realize the end still hasn’t come and you start believing it was all a ridiculous Mayan joke, then I’m sure you start freaking out and there are sweat drops everywhere. Because there you are, nice and cute, huge, fat belly fully of crisps and chocolate, a huge loan, tons of people waiting for your exciting Christmas present and out of a job. Whoops!
Don’t blame me! I told you I didn’t believe in it!
To read more of Ruthie’s awesome life tips and advice, hop on over to her blog.
Let me know if you’d like to be a very special guest blogger here one of these Tuesdays. I’d LOVE to have some different voices featured.
Don’t forget to show Ruthie some appreciation for her free advice! Comment here, and visit her blog!