A random, eclectic mix of thoughts, feelings, observations, and experiences – LIFE

Archive for December, 2011

Happy Holidays?

Hey Bloggedies,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s not that I haven’t had things to say. There’s been lots to talk about. At some point, I’ll catch you up on things that still matter by the time that I have the time. And the presence of mind. I also need to catch up on the lives and writings of my favourite bloggers. It will take me a while, but I’ll read up on all of your Christmas and post-Christmas excitement and adventures.

The holidays have been difficult. This is the worst holiday season I have ever experienced. I’ve had over a month of stress and drama.

I can’t think of many positive things. Just one really big one that I can’t talk about (yet). The thing that’s heavy on my mind is that my grandmother died. Yesterday morning. I am so sad that I can’t even put it into words. I’m glad that I got to talk to her, and we got some good laughs earlier in the week. I’m glad that I had the week off, and I was able to spend time at her house, waiting to see her. She slept a lot, so it was a waiting game. I’m glad she’s out of that horrible pain. It was terrible. Just to watch. But it’s over now. It’s only for selfish reasons that I’m sad. And also that I find it hard to see my mother this way. It’s really hard. *sighs*

I’m stuck at my aunt’s now. I’ve been keeping mum company. The car broke down yesterday. Right when my mother was on the phone crying, telling me to come right away. It went to the mechanic today. Got a new part. It’s still not working. Great. So now here I sit, waiting for a way to get home. I think my dad will come get me when the restaurant closes. Doesn’t look like it’ll be a busy night, so I’ll lay around until about 9:30pm. I wanna get home in time to order some pizza and chillax with my Babe. My happy place. Home.

The Madness Meme

Questions taken from  this post at Sunday Stealing

1. Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?

Um. Gross. No. I’ve breathed on them. And wiped them with my shirt. But with my tongue? Tongue wiping? Gross. No.

2. What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?

Ummm… 7 years, I think. If that even counts. It was a long time ago, and there was very little actual “dating,” and then it turned into a stalker situation. Fun.

3. Ever been in a car wreck?

Yes. Had a pretty bad accident in my mother’s car in ’05. Two idiots came at me on the road, and in swerving to avoid them, I hit a lamppole. I was trying to turn into some bushes, but the wheel locked on me. I was only able to turn about 20% of the way. The car was done. I was fine.

4. Were you popular in high school?

My high school, grades 7 to 12, had a total of 400 students. My grad class had, I think, 52 people. Does popularity or unpopularity exist with those kinds of numbers? Everyone in my grade definitely knew me, and I was well-liked.

5. Have you ever been on a blind date?

Nope.

6. Are looks important?

Yep. Looks are not the most important thing ever, but they do carry some weight. Appearance, overall, is rather important. More than just the gene pool. The way you carry yourself. It says a lot.

7. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?

Yeah. That would be Olivia. We were in kindergarten together. We still chat now and then, and do what we can to hang out every few months. We live on a rock, and still can’t manage to do much better than that. Life is like that.

8. By what age would you like to be married?

It’s definitely more about place-in-life than age. If I had to choose an age, this age would have been it. At this point, I just don’t know. I’d like to be married when the time is right. When we’re both satisfied, happy, thrilled, and excited to be together forever. And we have the necessary $$$ to make it happen. I know what that means for me, but I’m not sure what (exactly) it means for her. There are more factors being considered on her side, I think. Me? I don’t need to be rich. I don’t need my family to throw us a big party. I don’t need family support or attendance. Nothing like that. It wouldn’t bother me, not flashing it all over the place (since this country and a lot of the people in it are crazy/super-religious/hateful/homophobic/judgmental). Just to know that we’re happy and in love, and made that commitment to each other. Cheesy? Maybe. 🙂

9. Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them?

Honestly… Yes.

10. Have you ever made a mistake?

I think it’s funny that this question comes on the heels of the one before it. *laughs quietly* Yes.

11. Are you a good tipper?

I try to be. 20% is the usual for me. If the service is poor, I’m less inclined to tip, but WILL leave a tip. A minimal tip.

12. What’s the most you have spent for a haircut?

Hmmm… I’m not sure. My haircuts are usually $10 at the barber. Back in the day, when I did styles, I didn’t JUST get haircuts. I got colours and treatments and stuff. Hard to say. Maybe $30? $40? I don’t know.

13. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

Well… There was this one prof… She was very well-educated, great speaker, engaging, and rather hott. If the opportunity presented itself, I don’t know that I would have taken advantage of it. Is that really a crush? Admiration? Hmmm…

14. Have you ever peed in public?

Public restrooms. That’s about it.

15. What song do you want played at your funeral?

Uh… Morbid, much? I have no idea. I won’t be there (really), so I don’t care. Play some Notorius B.I.G. for all I care. My family would never allow that, by the way. LOL.

16. Would you tell your parents if you were gay?

I am. I didn’t. They guessed (or were not-so-subtly informed). I didn’t deny. They know. They pretend they don’t. I let it ride.

17. What would your last meal be before getting executed?

I’m one of those gotta-have-it-all people. I’d like potatoes every possible way, stuffed chicken breast, a sampling of every veggie, a california roll, a spring roll, shrimp tempura, Ma’s macaroni, Auntie’s raisin bread with a LITTLE of her guava jam, Nicole’s chocolate cream pie, Auntie’s bran muffins, mother’s corn ‘n’ rice with a chicken wing, minced lobster, and potato salad, Babe’s salad, a mango-kiwi-strawberry smoothie… We’re not even at dessert yet.

18. Beatles or Stones?

Tough callllllll. Stones.

19. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?

Whoever has knowingly been the cause of the most unnecessary, undeserved pain and misfortune? Either that person, or a certain evil relative.

20. Beer, wine or hard liquor?

What could ever be hard about liquor?!

It depends on what I’m having it with. If I’m having a nice dinner, then wine. If I’m out partying, tequila shots. 🙂 I don’t like beer.

21. Do you have any phobias?

Yeah. Having to do with most all animals. Not being good enough. Is that a phobia? Mediocriphobia? Anyway… Hunger.

22. What are your plans for the future?

To LIVE. The best way I can. To improve. Always.

If you decide to answer the question, link back! 🙂

Thankful Thursday

What a crazy few weeks this has been. I’m not liking December at all. Is it surprising that I’m thankful that we’re almost at the end of it? There are a few other things I’m thankful for, and thank goodness for that because it’s Thankful Thursday! *shakes pompoms*

Today, I’m thankful for:

  • Good music
  • Half-decent health. My iron is definitely dropping. I’m ridiculously tired, no matter how many hours of sleep I get. I really don’t wanna spend the big bucks on Floradix (which seems to be the only thing that ever really works), but at least I sort of have it to spend it. Maybe I wanted to spend it on something else, but I’m thankful that I have it.
  • Safety. It’s a crazy time of year, and horrible things are happening. I’m glad that I haven’t fallen victim to any crimes. I should note, however, that there was an attempted break-in at our place last week. The bastards got into the neighbour’s place, but had no success getting in our apartment. This happened while we were at work, between 9am and 5pm. Daylight! Crazy, right?
  • Water. I’m getting back into drinking it. It’s slow, but it’s happening.
  • Running. Something I don’t need much to do. Just my Vibrams. (Holy CRAP! I wanted to get a new pair for myself for Christmas. Oh, well.) And 15-20 minutes (at the moment). Time has been really hard to come by, but things seem to be leveling out a bit.
  • My mother is WALKING! With nooo assistance! *dances*
  • Maternal grandmother. She’s the sweetest lady. Always smiling. Always with kind words. When she sees me, I usually get something similar to, “Oh, look at my favourite girl! Oh, she’s so beautiful! Isn’t she so precious? Oh, bllless her dear heart! I think you got even prettier than the last time I saw you. You got prettier?” She’s so funny. I usually stand there smiling at her, and manage to say something like, “You think so? I’m trying!” Hahahaha. Whenever I ask her how she’s doing, she says, “Oh, much better now that I see (or hear from) you!” Too sweet. She hasn’t been feeling so well lately. I’m glad she’s at home now. She was very adamant about going to her house. Hospitals are no fun. Her health isn’t great, and there’s no telling what will happen, or how soon. (I’m not being specific about this because it’s sort of touchy and people are trying to be hush-hush about it so no pity party starts, and no one goes around her crying or anything like that.) This makes me really sad. Anyway, I’m trying to be happy about knowing her, and that she’s so awesome, and that I can drop by whenever and see her.
  • Christmas is almost here. No, I’m not excited about the day itself. I’m anxious for it to be OVER and DONE WITH. Come onnn, December 26!
  • Fruit. Love, love, love it! MUST remember to get some kiwi and gala apples on the way home. We’re all out!
  • Saturday date night. Babe and I decided to have a nice, quiet evening at home on Saturday. I’ll cook us some steaks with potatoes (maybe twice-baked?), asparagus, and something else… Carrots? Me loooves carrots! I’ll try my hand at a little bread pudding for dessert. Babe likes eggnog, so I’ll see how I can incorporate that. We’ll find a nice movie or two to watch as well. Yes, we’ll be bringing in Christmas morning in style. Hahaha.

What are you thankful for this week? Are you looking forward to Christmas, or waiting for it to be over? Who is the precious gem in your family?

Wordless Wednesday: Binder Clips

 

 

All of a sudden, WP is giving me major issues when I try adding pictures, video, etc. I managed to get the pictures up, but without the hilarious captions. PLEASE go to the source to get the full effect. Then come back here and leave your LOLs in the comments. 🙂

Source: 6 Life-Changing Uses for Binder Clips (That You Couldve Easily Thought Of)… – StumbleUpon.

8 Things I Want for Christmas

Around October, I had quite the list of things that I wanted. The list has changed a bit since then. At this point, this is what I want for Christmas:

  • My grandmother out of the hospital, and living comfortably in her beloved humble abode with her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren keeping her company and attending to her every need. I’d like her to breathe without labour or pain, and to laugh from the deepest part of her stomach at all of the silly jokes shared with her.
  • My mother able to function normally. She can now walk without a walker or a cane, but it would be great if she could do this for an extended period of time. If she could manage to sit with her mother (my grandmother) for as long as she likes without becoming exhausted and painful. I’d like her to be able to return to work without threat to her health. For MS to let her LIVE, not just breathe.
  • Family issues to be laid to rest. There are too many people holding too many grudges. One person pissed because the other person told people she was pregnant (when she was). One person insanely jealous of the other because of her success. Brothers and sisters in a silent war. Parents and children rarely speaking. I’d like it all to end. To be dropped. Life isn’t long enough.
  • Earrings. Oh, I didn’t warn you that this would get trivial, did I? Sorry. I want earrings. Nice, simple, but enough to offset my short-hairness.
  • My nail and brows done. This counts as one thing, right? I have really neglected myself recently. I remember when I used to get my brows done as needed. At one point, I got my nails done every 2 weeks or so. I stopped because I don’t particularly enjoy having them done, but they need manicuring. I need to step my game up.
  • A fully functional kitchen.  I think I would feel like I’m in heaven to have bakeware, a handmixer, baking ingredients, and (of course) gas for the stove/oven. All the supplies is a bit much right now, but the gas can probably happen next week. Haha.
  • Time. I don’t feel like I have enough of it. I have to choose what I do very carefully. Cook, eat, work, sleep, watch a movie, run, cycle, shop, make phone calls, visit people, socialize… I just can’t do it all. There are a few things that are taking so much time that I can barely do anything else. GAAAH!
  • To do something really awesome for Babe. I have a few things in mind with zero ideas as to how I will pull any of it off. I can’t talk about any of it here because she visits. Hehehe. I will probably have to call for back-up. In any event, I think I may be late in delivery. *Sighs*

Random question: Ever noticed how a LOT of Christmas songs sound really sad? Like funeral hymns? Or am I just really, really out of it this year?

Sidenote: Check out my post over at Wordshaker when you have some time. 🙂

What little wishes are in your heart today?

5-1 Things

Five Things About the Weekend

  • The thing I remember most, sadly, is that someone close to me called me mean. I feigned surprise at something (pens from my office being at home), and the response I got was, “Yes, I’ll bring them back. I know you’re mean.” Seriously?! THAT’s what you think of me? Great. Really good to know. Thanks. For clarity, I am concerned about 20 pens not being in my office because, really, my principals at work are seriously likely to call me and ask me to bring some of those “bunch of pens” in my drawer (because THEY PUT THEM THERE) to some random place. If they’re not there, I’d have to explain why, or find my way to storage to get some if I have that opportunity. Big deal? Probably not. Likely? Probably not. I’m just saying. But seriously… I’m mean? Oh. I have seriously stressed about this for the past few days, thoroughly thinking it through. Sad? Yeah, probably. *Sighs*
  • Shopping. Ugh. Babe had to get a million things for an event she was hosting. We also got a few things for our game night. I got some towels for my grandmother, plants for my grandmothers, and one or two other things. Traffic was ridiculous. I hated every minute of being on the road. Being in the stores wasn’t much better. In the middle of the errands, mum called. She needed a ride from the hospital (visiting my grandmother). I popped in to hail grandmother, then took mum home to grandmother’s house. Back on the road we went. Being in my grandmother’s area was the push we needed to get mace for Babe and a stungun for me. Yay!
  • Had a fun game night at our place. My cousin was the first to arrive. We chatted until our friend (who we met through my cousin) arrived with her new girrrlfriiiend. We chatted more, had lots of laughs, and played a few games of Cranium. After that, they played a few games of Dominoes. I’m not big on Dominoes, so I sat those out. I focused on eating the brownies my cousin brought. Have I ever mentioned my insane snackiness? I LOVE snacking. And snacks. YUM, YUM, YUM! FOOOOD!
  • Ran on Sunday morning. Opted to do 15 minutes instead of the usual 20. Just because it had been so long. I pushed more than usual. I didn’t run particularly fast. I just tried to run for longer. I usually do 2 mins running OR 3 minutes running alternated with 1 minute of walking. I did that at the very least. When I felt I could, I ran for longer. With that, I managed to run my fastest mile. YAY! I’ll post the details of the run on Ice Cream Runs a bit later.
  • Sunday was stupid. Got horrible news about grandmother’s health. Felt very alone and inconsolable. Blah, blah, blah.

Four Things About Today

  • My legs are still a bit achy from my first run in friggin’ aaaaages on Sunday. I didn’t wear my calf sleeves. Silly, silly. I’m going to wear them next time.
  • Brought lunch today. I have food from FamJam on Sunday. Babe has food from last night. We did beef strips with potatoes and carrots. And rice, but she doesn’t eat rice and potatoes at the same time. *shrugs*
  • I neeeed to get out for a run. I’ve realized that it’s the release/therapy that I need sometimes.
  • I’m worried about things. I know that worry doesn’t help, but it’s there. What am I supposed to do? Not worry? I sort of have to.

Three Things About This Week

  • It doesn’t feel like Christmas is less than a week away.
  • I want this week to be over.
  • I wish I could just sleep.

Two Things About Christmas Weekend

  • I’m not looking forward to it, but I DO want it to hurry up and come, and then leave.
  • I wanna go to Junkanoo. That’s about it. Sunday night/Monday morning will be my salvation. Or something.

One Thing About Life

  • I should always expect the unexpected.

Is This Hell?

Sad. Confused. Lost. Useless. Helpless. Tired.

This seems like a good time to warn my regular readers. This isn’t my usual Happy Monday or WHOOP-DEE-DOO! Life! stuff. I’m going through something. You may not want to read this post. It’s a bit much.

I am exhausted. These past few weeks have been torturous. I feel like this is a little bit of hell. I mean, really. If there is a hell, it doesn’t mind coming to earth. When it comes to earth, it visits people. It’s the guest that was never invited, and doesn’t ever want to leave. Apparently, it’s my turn to house it. Hell.

My mother had a multiple sclerosis crisis a few weeks ago. She was in the hospital for two weeks. She’s now staying at my grandaunt’s. I’m glad that she is now able to walk with a 4-prong cane instead of the friggin’ walker. And she’s moving much faster. She still has to pace herself. She can’t do too much. It seems that she’s getting better, and will make a full (but slow) recovery. This is fine. For now.

Mother was discharged on Monday. I believe it was Thursday that my grandmother was admitted. Seriously?! All I could think was, Seriously, can this stop now?! Apparently not. Things just keep getting worse. There was a family meeting last night. Really, it was my mother and her siblings. Plus my sisters. They weren’t invited, really. But they were there. Everyone needed to be told what was going on. I think my uncle was the only one who knew. And maybe my aunt. The other 5 brothers didn’t. Actually, one of the brothers is in New York with his daughter who just had a baby. I guess he still doesn’t know.

My uncle is the primary contact and my mother is the secondary contact (that the doctors have for my grandmother). The doctor couldn’t reach my uncle yesterday morning, so they called my mother. She called my sister to take her to the hospital. They needed her to sign the discharge form. They went on to explain things. Things my mother knew nothing about. But she pretended. She wanted to get more information, so she kept saying the “Yes, yes, okay” stuff but all she really wanted to do was scream. I talked to her this morning. She still wants to scream.

They’ve decided to keep things quiet. Everyone knows that Grammy has been having problems breathing lately. About 2 years ago, they had to get her an oxygen tank. Her shortness of breath was crazy. It’s still crazy. And not getting better. Sometimes, it seems like she has to fight to catch a breath between her words. Even talking is difficult now. There’s some type of pulmonary fibrosis and something-something else. That’s the story everyone has agreed to stick to. There will be no mass dissemination of new information. It’s scary. That word. That one word with six letters. Everyone dreads it. No one thinks it will happen to them, or anyone close to them. Least of all, their 80-something year old grandmother. The sweetest lady in the world.

Last night sucked. I find out this stuff from my mum and then I drove home. To an empty house. Babe was out, hosting a thing. I couldn’t bug her. I still wanted to speak to her. Just to say, “Hello,” and maybe possibly send some sort of wordless message that I needed her. Not that it would have done me any good. She was busy. So I sat on the couch. I stared at the wall. There was no music. She had the computer and the iPod with her. I didn’t know what to do. I got my new book. I didn’t feel like reading. I didn’t even open it. I text messaged a friend. A good one. Vanessa. I didn’t want to lay my burdens down, so I just kinda said, “Hey, whassup?” We chatted randomly. Then she asked about my mum. I told her. About my grandmother. And that I really wanted to go for a drive, but it was far too dark and sketchy. She offered to come get me, but I declined. It would have been too much. Too far for her to drive. And for what? To be stuck in a car with me? I couldn’t do that to her. Plus Babe went out with no keys. I couldn’t leave. I wanted to have a hot shower. But I couldn’t. What if she came home? I got no answers to my phone calls or text messages. I was pissed that I had no idea when she’d be back, or even if she was okay. No communication. That always pisses me off, but I was really on another level last night. The day and night just sucked. And it was no one’s fault.

I didn’t even have feelings. I was just numb. I sat there. With thought. Thoughts. Too many of them. Lungs. Liver. Spleen. Hospital. The unspeakable word. Quality of life. Future. Stupid, stupid Christmas. Eventually, I got a notepad. I scribbled some words. When I was done, I rested it down. Then, all of a sudden, I felt. And it was a lot. I cried like I don’t remember ever crying in my life. It was like I couldn’t breathe. I could get no air. It was horrible. I wondered if that’s how my grandmother feels when she talks to us. I told myself that I deserved it. To feel that way. That I was too selfish. Too mean. Too focused on ME, ME, ME. Babe was right when she said it in her own way. I was right to hate myself a little bit more than usual. I was a terrible person who was not nice. Maybe I caused this. Maybe, somehow, my overall crappiness as a person caused this. Maybe I’m the link. I’m the one bringing all these enormous heaps of awful to the people around me. It was me. And I cried. And then I saw the selfishness in that. I was pitying myself.

Babe called, finally. She said she was 10 minutes away. I took that time to go in the shower. Of course, 3 minutes later, the doorbell rang. Out of the shower and onto a towel, I shuffled across the floor to unlock the door, and then back to the shower. I finished up. I calmed myself. Straight to bed, I went.

I’m exhausted. Did I mention that? I can’t seem to catch myself. No matter how much I sleep, I’m not feeling rested. At all. This has to be more than a physical exhaustion. Mental and emotional too, I bet. There is too much happening. Too fast.

What will tomorrow bring? Hell. What will the next MINUTE bring? I have no idea. I don’t even know if I have any hope left. *puts hands in pockets, and takes them out. Empty*