Source: Couples dynamics – StumbleUpon.
Posts tagged ‘reblogged’
Jump pictures are cool and all, but this is just a whole other level. Crazy. Amazing. Fantastic. Other wordly, even. I LOVE it. How she came up with this idea, I don’t know. How she pulls it off so beautifully, and make it look so effortless, I have no idea. I just know that it’s great.
This is just too hilarious. The list is long, and this isn’t all of it. I’ve highlighted some of my favourites for your skimming/scanning pleasure. My comments are italicized, and purple.
- The way one should cut a Kiwi Fruit in half (along its length or across the middle).
- Leaving the kitchen door open (three times a day that one, minimum).
- The best way to hang up washing.
- Those little toothpaste speckles you make when you brush your teeth in front of the mirror. This bothers me.
- I eat two-fingered Kit-Kats like I’d eat any other chocolate bars of that size, i.e., without feeling the need to snap them into two individual fingers first. Margret accused me of doing this, ‘deliberately to annoy her’. Ahahahaha.
- Which way – the distances were identical – to drive round a circular bypass (this resulted in her kicking me in the head from the back seat as I drove along).
- The amount of time I spend on the computer. (OK, fair enough.)
- First Born’s name (Jonathan). Then, when that was settled…
- How to pronounce First Born’s name. I’m clearly uninformed. There are multiple ways to pronounce “Jonathan” now?
- Our telephone number.
- Which type of iron to buy (price wasn’t an issue, it was the principle, damnit).
- Where to sit in the cinema. On those occasions when we a) manage to agree to go to the cinema together and, b) go to see the same film once we’re there. (No, really). This is just funny.
- Whether her cutting our son’s hair comes under ‘money-saving skill’ or ‘therapy in the making’.
- Shortly after every single time Margret touches my computer, for any reason whatsoever, I have to spend twenty minutes trying to fix crashes, locked systems, data loses, jammed drives, bizarre re-configurations and things stuck in the keyboard. There then follows a free and frank exchange of views with, in my corner, ‘It’s your fault,’ and, in hers, ‘It’s a curious statistical anomaly.’
- Margret enters the room. The television is showing Baywatch. Margret says, ‘Uh-huh, you’re watching Baywatch again.’ I say, ‘I’m not watching, it’s just on.’ Repeat. For the duration of the programme. And no one figured turning the tv off would make sense? Oh. Okay.
- She wants to paint the living room yellow. I have not the words.
- Margret doesn’t like to watch films on the TV. No, hold on – let me make sure you’ve got the inflection here: Margret doesn’t like to watch films on the TV. She says she does, but years of bitter experience have proven that what she actually wants is to sit by me while I narrate the entire bleeding film to her. ‘Who’s she?’, ‘Why did he get shot?’, ‘I thought that one was on their side?’, ‘Is that a bomb’ – ‘JUST WATCH IT! IN THE NAME OF GOD, JUST WATCH IT!’ The hellish mirror-image of this is when she furnishes me, deaf to my pleading, with her commentary. Chair-clawing suspense being assaulted mercilessly from behind by such interjections as, ‘Hey! Look! They’re the cushions we’ve got.’, ‘Isn’t she the one who does that tampon advert?’ and, on one famous occasion, ‘Oh, I’ve seen this – he gets killed at the end.’ THIS drives me CRAZY. Babe sort of asks me questions as we watch movies. I just regard them as rhetorical questions. Sometimes, if the question is interesting, or seems like it needs answering, I answer it. That’s less than 50% of the time.
- Margret thinks I’m vain because… I use a mirror when I shave. Does Margret look at her legs when she shaves them? I want to know. During this argument in the bathroom – our fourth most popular location for arguments, it will delight and charm you to learn – Margret proved that shaving with a mirror could only be seen as outrageous narcissism by saying, ‘None of the other men I’ve been with,’ (my, but it’s all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that) ‘None of the other men I’ve been with used a mirror to shave.’
‘Ha! Difficult to check up on that, isn’t it? As all the other men you’ve been with can now only communicate by blinking their eyes!’ I said. Much later. When Margret had left the house. His unheard response. Ahahahahahahaa.
- The TV Remote. It is only by epic self-discipline on both our parts that we don’t argue about the TV Remote to the exclusion of all else. It does the TV Remote a disservice to suggest that it is only the cause of four types of argument, but space, you will understand, is limited so I must concentrate on the main ones.
1) Ownership of the TV Remote: this is signified by its being on the arm of the chair/sofa closest to you – it is more important than life itself.
2) On those blood-freezing occasions when you look up from your seat to discover that the TV Remote is still lying on top of the TV, then one of you must retrieve it; who shall it be? And how will this affect (1)?
3) Disappearance of the TV Remote. Precisely who had it last will be hotly disputed, witnesses may be called. Things can turn very nasty indeed when the person who isn’t looking for it is revealed to be unknowingly sitting on it.
4) The TV Remote is a natural nomad and sometimes, may the Lord protect us, it goes missing for whole days. During these dark times, someone must actually, in an entirely literal sense, get up to change the channel; International Law decrees that this, “will not be the person who did it last” – but can this be ascertained? Without the police becoming involved?
- See if you can spot the difference between these two statements:
(a) “Those trousers make your backside look fat.”
(b) “You’re a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision – depressingly far removed from the, ‘stupid, squeaky, pocket-sized English women,’ who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you.”
Maybe the acoustics were really bad in the dining room, or something. Oh, this poor man. He has no idea, does he?
- She keeps making me carry tampons around – ‘Here, have these, just in case.’
‘Oooooooh, why can’t you carry them?’
‘I’ve got no pockets.’
Then, of course, I forget about them. And the next time I’m meeting The Duchess of Kent or someone I pull a handkerchief out of my pocket and shower feminine hygiene products everywhere. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
- She really over-reacts whenever she catches me wearing her underwear. *takes really long pause* Okay.
- Now, what you have to realise is that this was from nowhere, OK? Don’t think there were previous conversations or situations that put this in context. Oh no. Just imagine the, ‘What the f…?’ moment you’d have been standing in if your partner had said this to you, because you’d have had as much preparation as I did. So, it’s just after Christmas and Margret’s moaning about her present (I forget what it was, a Ferrari, I think – but in the wrong colour or something), um, actually, let me come back to this, that reminds me… This man is HILARIOUS. LOL.
- Presents. Before every birthday, Christmas or whatever I’ll say, ‘What do you want?’ And Margret will say, ‘Surprise me.’ And I’ll reply, ‘Noooooo, just tell me what you want. If I guess it’ll be the wrong thing, it’s always the wrong thing.’ And then she’ll come out with that, ‘No, it won’t. It’ll be what you chose, and a surprise, that’s what’s important,’ nonsense. And I’ll say, ‘Sweetest, you say that now, but come Christmas morning it’ll be, “What the hell were you thinking?” again, won’t it?’ And she replies, ‘No. It. Won’t.’ And I say, ‘Yes, it will.’ And she says, ‘Don’t patronise me.’ And the neighbours freeze in their seats for a moment next door, before jumping up and removing anything they have on the shelves on the adjoining wall. And, in the end, Margret gets her way. And I hunt around in utter desperation for two months for something before finally finding the one item that will work at 7.30pm on Christmas Eve for a cost of twenty-three-and-a-half thousands pounds. And on Christmas morning it’s, ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ But anyway. Join the man club, buddy.
- Back at the previous item, it’s just after Christmas and Margret’s going on about her present, which was, you’ll recall, a necklace of a single diamond suspended on a delicate chain of white gold and sapphires. And this is what I hear come out of her mouth – ‘Why didn’t you get me a wormery, I dropped enough hints?’ You what?
- When Margret used to go shopping and she’d see, for example, a pair of jeans in a department store, do you know what she used to do? Try them on. I think you’re all with me here, but just for anyone who’s joined us late, I don’t mean she’d go to the changing rooms and try them on. That would be a preposterous idea wouldn’t it? No, she’d just get undressed there in the middle of the sales floor to try them on. It took me some considerable time to persuade her that this wasn’t normal behaviour in Britain, despite what she might have seen on Benny Hill. Even then, she only stopped – amid much eye-rolling and, ‘You and your silly social conventions,’ head shaking – to humour me. It rubs a tiny circle from the misted-up window through which you can view the tormented, horizonless landscape that is My World to mention that I’d entirely forgotten about all this until someone sent me a email yesterday that accidentally exhumed the memory. With Margret this kind of thing just gets drowned out by the general noise. I wouldn’t be surprised if, a few months from now, I’m here writing, ‘Ahhh – that reminds me of Margret’s role in the John Lennon shooting…’
- Wherever I’m standing is where Margret needs to be standing, and vice versa. Doesn’t matter where we are – the kitchen, the bathroom, Scotland – we each infuriatingly occupy the space where the other one wants to be, urgently. Over the years we’ve developed signals for this situation. Mine is to stand behind her and mutter under my breath. Margret’s is to shoulder-charge me out of the way. I think I like this Margret person. Hahahaha.
- A Few Concepts Margret Continues To Have Trouble Assimilating:
- It’s possible to stop buying plants.
- Can you please leave me alone, I’m on the lavatory.
- Ikea is just another shop.
- I asked you if you wanted any, I asked you – now stop eating it off my plate.
- One may have a thought and not say it. This does not make me insular, it merely separates me from you and that mad woman who’s always shouting at the pigeons outside the supermarket.
- They’re just nail clippings. Nail clippings must be the most inert thing on the planet, how can anyone seriously have a problem with nail clippings? You might as well freak out with, ‘Bleuuuurrggh – helium!’ Really – just get a hold of yourself. So you’ve walked barefoot across the bathroom and you find this has resulted in a nail clipping or two sticking to the bottom of your foot; well, simply brush them off into the bin - they’re just nail clippings.
- Just for reference; if Margret returns from having her hair cut and says, ‘What do you think?’ and you reply, ‘I’d love you whatever your hair was like,’ well, that’s very much The Wrong Answer, OK?
- ‘Get your hands off me – you’re freezing.’ Ahahahaha. I relate to this. In the opposite way. It’s usually super hot here, and as much as we want to be close, sometimes it feels gross. I guess…
- ‘I’m nearly there.’ Yeah. Right. This drives me crazy when it’s a lie.
- I came home from work on Friday and, as I wearily opened the door into the house, Second Born, Peter, heard me entering and poked his head out of the living room.
‘Hello, Papa – I’ve missed you,’ he shouts. From within the living room Margret’s voice calls out to him ‘No you haven’t, Peter.’
You’re all up for testifying for me in court, right? Ahahahahaha
Want to read more? Link below.
Because baking is cool. Banana bread is awesome. You need something else to slather Nutella on. And YUM!
(Recipe source Gourmet, August 2003)
3 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 large eggs at room temperature for 30 minutes
2 1/3 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
3 cups coarsely mashed very ripe bananas (6 large)
1/4 cup crème fraîche, sour cream or plain yogurt
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 1/3 cups walnuts (4 ounces), toasted and chopped
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour 2 (9 x 5) loaf pans.
Sift together flour, baking soda, cinnamon and salt into a bowl. Set aside.
In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat together eggs and sugar at medium-high speed until the mixture is thick and pale and forms a ribbon when paddle is lifted, about 10 minutes. Reduce speed to low and add oil in a slow stream. Then mix in bananas, creme fraiche (or sour cream or yogurt) and vanilla. Mix in flour mixture and walnuts until just combined.
Divide batter between loaf pans, spreading evenly. Bake until tops are golden brown and a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 60-75 minutes.
Cool loaves in pans on wire racks for 10 minutes. Turn out onto rack to cool completely.
Yield: 2 loaves
Far too much energy is spent on cutting other people time. We need to spend more energy – more time – on building people up. There are already too many broken people in the world. People need mending. People need healing. People need smiles and compliments and helping hands and sips of water. There’s always something we, individually, can do to brighten days, lighten loads, and empower others.
The list that follows is not my original work. I read it on Stephen’s Lighthouse and had to share.
1. Give out compliments that you mean.
2. Speak and act with honesty.
3. Listen to others.
4. Help illustrate your points with visual aids.
5. Teach a class.
6. Get involved in community art projects.
7. Mentor a child or student.
8. Volunteer with local organizations.
9. Lead a group on a travel expedition.
10. Donate money to charity.
11. Help the spread of community health clinics.
12. Take the time to talk to strangers.
13. Start a non-profit.
14. Travel abroad and make new friends.
15. Reach out to friends and relatives at a distance.
16. Be aware of body language.
17. Be sincere.
18. Nurture talent in others.
19. Go out and support local musicians.
20. Give thoughtful gifts.
21. Join a community farm or grocery coop.
22. Volunteer in schools.
23. Stay in touch with local politics.
24. Throw dinner parties with a mixed range of guests.
25. Smile more often.
26. Use public transportation.
27. Organize recycling projects.
28. Run a benefit event.
29. Project positivity and eliminate negative thoughts.
30. Join a book group or club.
31. Start or join a language exchange program.
32. Lead team-building exercises at work.
33. Encourage social activities.
34. Initiate physical contact.
35. Tell your loved ones how you feel about them.
36. Make sure the atmosphere at work is a democratic one.
37. Nod your head when someone is making a point.
38. Help foster creativity.
39. Run meetings with an open, discussion oriented atmosphere.
40. Have suggestions ready for those who need advice.
41. Take walks to new areas of town.
42. Spend time planting trees in the community.
43. Set up a food or blanket drive.
44. Learn inspiring quotes that can be doled out.
45. Learn new listening techniques.
46. Study psychology.
47. Give a helping hand.
48. Give encouragement instead of criticism.
49. Take time for yourself to help others.
50. Learn intervention techniques.
Ten Things That Have Made Me Laugh Lately
1. Last Friday night I was thrown into Twitter Jail. I walked out of my office and my husband asked, “What’s wrong?” I told him and he said, “Don’t get your hopes up.” Apparently he’s ALSO aware of what’s expected of him in Twitter Jail.
2. My 6 year old daughter got my mediterranean genes (okay, I’m only 25% italian but my husband is PASTY!) and gets extremely tan in the summer. The other night my husband (a staunch Republican) commented on how brown she’d gotten. “I may be brown, but I still don’t like Barack Obama!” she said. We all laughed hysterically but I was pretty proud of the fact that she’s made it to 6 years old and thinks that the only difference between the races is a healthy application of sun screen
3. It’s been HOT here lately. My home office (i.e. the spare bedroom – which is only spare because the boys and girls share rooms) is about 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the house because I have to keep the door shut to keep the creeps kids out so I’ve taken to wearing my new sportsbras as shirts. I just walked into the kitchen and my husband looked at me like he needed something, “Yes?” I asked. Then I recognized the look he was giving me. “I mean ‘No.’” I told him. He laughed and said, “What do you mean porkchop?”
4. I’m making my sons write stories every day that fill at least one page of an 8.5″x11″ notebook. My husband thinks it’s summer vacation and I’m mean. The first day the boys bitched and moaned and called me names and turned in stories that were 5 lines of text with 23 lines of “illustrations.” And then they got into it. Two days ago my oldest wrote a story about alien invaders being repelled by an incumbent army. In the last paragraph it’s revealed that the “alien invaders” are actually microbes and the incumbent army are actually white blood cells! Take that Mister “It’s Summer Can’t You Just Leave Them Alone?”
5. I took the kids to the beach today but my husband stayed home to do some yardwork, including shaping some of the shrubbery in our front yard. We got home late and the kids were exhausted but as we passed by one of the bushes my 4yo glanced up, nodded and said, “Nice Haircut.” and kept walking.
6. I shouldn’t have laughed but at dinner tonight my 4yo daughter excused herself very politely to go to the bathroom. She walked down the hall but came back immediately. I looked at her curiously. “I thought I had to poop but I just had to toot.” she said.
7. We went out for dinner on Friday night to a very old and historic pizzeria in the North End of Boston. The food was delicious and after a day of walking through the city we were exhausted. We all sat there in a food coma until my daughter said, “Let’s blow this clam shack.”
8. Saturday my husband’s friend and his new wife met us at the beach for a day of sun and fun. Then we moved inside for dinner and several drinks. (I was drinking Diet Coke.) When it was time to leave I took the driver’s seat. My son asked for help buckling his car seat. My husband reached over the center console from the passenger side. “I can’t get it.” he told my son. “I bet those beers didn’t help.” my son answered.
9. My sons started football tonight. My son – who cannot sit still for .3 seconds – listened to the offense and then answered every single question correctly about where the ball was, was supposed to be and where the holes are. Alle-fucking-luiah I think we finally found something that can match his enthusiasm.
10. My ipad shipped from China. It is on a 12+ hour flight to California. I KNOW this and yet I have clicked refresh on the tracking site approximately 75,000 times since it left at 7am this morning. I am to get to 100,000 because… iPAD. *squee*
Imagine every set of stairs you’ve ever taken being a piano; each step being a different note. Imagine taking the stairs with different people. Different numbers of people. Going up and down. How much more would you take the stairs, instead of the escalator or elevator? Check the video at the above link. Pretty cool!
Have yourself a Funny little Friday! This story is a must read! Clicky the linky!
This is just too funny. Just what I needed this morning. A good little laugh. (I had to make it little since I’m at work, with actual work-ish things to do.)