Reblogged: CPR

This cracked me up when I saw it a few weeks ago.

Valentine’s Day 2011

I went to work, as usual. Nothing special. I don’t remember whether or not flowers or other special treats were delivered to other people in the store. I probably didn’t notice. I didn’t care. Nothing had arrived for me. No one had thought of me.

I was dating someone, but he was on his way out. I was no longer interested. I’d lost interest shortly after Christmas. For some reason, I was very lazy about getting out of the relationship. I just made myself unavailable and become almost comatose. Unresponsive. He was just not the right person for me. He was nice enough, but it just didn’t work. We just didn’t click. He was quite happy, but me? No. He was busy. He worked, worked, worked. He had a child. I wasn’t really interested in step-mothering. His values were not in line with mine. Above all else was money. Becoming a millionaire. Like an obsession. I was appalled.

I met someone. I met her months before things started to really break down. She was a friend. Then, she became a really good friend. Soon enough, I was enamored. Now, don’t get the wrong idea. There was no rebound. There was no stealing. There was no plan. One thing just fell apart, and another came together.

One of the ladies in the front office came to my office carrying a little gift bag. In it was a bottle of tequila (*swoons*), two cupcakes, and a card. They were from her. It was Valentine’s Day. And she thought of me. Enough to pick out some of my favourite things. For me. I didn’t even want to eat the cupcakes. They were so pretty. And so special. She was so special. And she still is.

Later that night, he called.

“You ain’ even mention the flowers and shits what I sent you.”

I held the phone to my ear, waiting for the punchline.

Silence.

“What?”

“The shits what I send you. You ain’ say thanks or nuttin.”

“First of all, don’t swear at me. Secondly, what are you talking about? I got nothing from you.”

He seemed pretty surprise. Shocked, really. That I didn’t get “the shits” that he sent. It did not take long to realize what had happened.

“Stop jokin’! You ain’ get the stuff what I sen’? I sen’ it to Donald’s Furniture!”

“Um…” I stifled my laughter before saying, “I don’t work at Donald’s Furniture. I work at Roberts…”

I hope the “Alicia” at Donald’s Furniture enjoyed the flowers “and shits” sent by a man who was too busy trying to be a millionaire to pay attention to where THIS Alicia worked. I thoroughly enjoyed my cupcakes, loved the card, and still smile when I see the bottle of tequila in our kitchen that she and I only open for very special occasions. In ten days, we’ll be celebrating our first year together, so we’ll welcome Jose Cuervo – the only man allowed to live with us – to join us.

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! Wishing you lots of pretty flowers, yummy chocolate, presents in tiny boxes, and looove.

Got any good Valentine’s Day stories? Do tell!

Vix wrote and shared a good V-Day short story in this post. She has a V-Day theme going on this week, so keep checking it out. Especially on Thursday for my guest post with a surpriiiiise for yooou.

Wordless Wednesday: Busy!

Guest Post Tuesday! (Ruthie’s Advice)

Have I ever told you about Ruthie? She’s this really cool chica who lives in the Netherlands. How cool is that?! The NETHERLANDS! They ride bikes and ish there. I wanna go there. She’s really nice, but she still hasn’t sent me a ticket. But that’s okay. I think she’s gonna send it to me for Christmas. I think…

Anyway, Ruthie is really cool. Did I mention that? She’s funny too. Her posts are funny to read. They’re light and fluffy like clouds. But not the gray kind. The white, pretty clouds. Ruthie is SOOO freaking nice that she did a guest post for me. AGAIN! Sweet, right?! You’re gonna love it. If you missed the first one, click here. It’s about Acid Rain. This one is about… DUN DUN DUNNNNN… THE END!

2012: The Beginning of the End

2012 has only just begun. I know this year is going to be so exciting; it’s going to be so different. There’s a great surprise in store for all of us… The world is going to end! Oh my gosh! Don’t cry!

Yes, I’m so sorry. You actually thought this post was going to be happy with a lot of flowers, cute smilies, sunshine and all that. Instead it’s a little bit sad because I just told you the world is going to end. We are all going to vanish. Poof! The world will be gone in a second, just like the cute foggy clouds coming from your mouth when it’s cold.

When you live where it’s so hot you can fry eggs on your pavement you have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s okay. Don’t feel bad about that.

Maybe you can still turn this year into a great year.

That’s what this post is all about. I’m resolved to help you make this year the best year of your life, because this is your last.

First I will say that I absolutely don’t believe the world is going to end in 2012. That is just not funny, it’s not practical, it’s stupid, it’s weird and like I said, it’s just not practical. Think about it, the Mayans said the world is going to end on December 21st, 2012. Well, I don’t like that date. They could have said the 27th or so, just for me, because I still want my Christmas presents. I just like Christmas. I’m pretty sure the Mayans needed something to laugh about because they were bored, so someone came up with that funny joke.

Even though I don’t believe the world is going to end, I want to be nice and sweet to those of you who do believe it is all going to end this year. So here I am. I will help you make the most of it.

Don’t cry because of the sad Mayan news. Dry your tears and try to smile every so often, you will feel better when you do and you will look much prettier, trust me.

It is ridiculously important you carefully follow my instructions. If they sound mean, then that’s because they are mean. Just wanted you to know…

11 Reasons for Disliking Beyonce

I don’t like Beyonce. In fact, I intensely dislike her. A lot of people are shocked by this, and it has nothing to do with me, or who I am. People just expect that everyone likes the wench. Not me. No sirree. Why? Well, let me give you my top 11 reasons.

Note: If you a fan of hers, and you are easily offended, you may not want to proceed. Also, my reasons are very skin-deep. If you’re expecting something groundbreaking or really intellectual, don’t bother. It’s not here. I’m working through grief in an odd way. I’m finding myself very angry, and I have to direct it somewhere, right? Yeah. So I pick Beyonce.

• Destiny’s Child. Remember them? Remember the other people in the “group” or not? I don’t understand why the “group” existed since, really, she was the singer, and the girls were her backup. She had all of the lyrics. She was always in front of them. Why, why, why? Just BE A SOLO ARTIST. Don’t have other talented women as your friggin’ background goons.
• Self-centred. She is far too into herself. You can see it. It drips off of her. From Destiny’s Child days. (Ok, so I’m a little bitter about those days. Kelly and Latoya should have had more shine, ok?!)
• Fake. She is far too fake. I’m convinced that the voice she uses in interviews is not her real speaking voice. Use your real voice, Beyonce! And if that IS her real voice, her lousy, fake-sounding voice is a good reason not too like her too.
• The stupid little fake laugh she does. Ih-hih-hih. It’s not even long enough. There is no real laughness in it. You know? Like, really, if you don’t think something is funny, don’t fake a laugh. She does it at questions. It’s like a time-killer. A moment to think. Oh, I think I’ll fake a little laugh first, and maybe by then, I can use my fake voice, reserved only for interviews, to give some lame answer where I’m probably gonna lie.
• 

  It's like he never fully recovered from an allergic reaction...

  Jay-Z. Seriously, Beyonce?! You. And Jay-Z. Are in love. No. No, no, no. I am not accepting that. You two have combined to form some sort of super power that is even greated than the devil. You are so hungry for fame and being important that you are willing to give birth to the anti… Anyway. Whatever.

• Illuminati. Yeah. That’s right. If it exists, she and her stupid husband are at the forefront.
• 

  The stylist clearly forgot to relax, bleach + colour, and flat iron

  Weave. It is horrible. I mean… She has money! She can afford the good stuff. The length is too much. The colour is horrible. The texture. How dry it is. The amount… Just… No. Is is SUPPOSED to look real?! WHERE IS YOUR HAIR, BEYONCE?! *whispers* Do you have any?

• Stupid, stupid, stupid, awful songs. I refuse to list any because that would mean I’d have to think of them too intently. One that is already in mind is that horrid onnne. and. onnne. is [screechy, high-pitched, annoying voice] TWO! I’n. gat [same stupid voice] YOU. A neighbour was playing this loudly one night, and I seriously wanted it to be Beyonce herself, singing the song outside my window, so that I could cut her (voice out). Yeah. It’s that serious.
• Pregnancy. Seriously. She felt the need to announce it THAT way? Really now… Not necessary. Then she proceeded to have performances where she wore the most ridiculous shoes. (Like she hasn’t fallen WITHOUT being pregnant. HA!) Do you CARE about your baby, Beyonce? Oh, right. I almost forgot. You’re the most amazingly great person ever, you know all things, and nothing bad would ever happen to you or your baby. Even if you booty-shake like the last stripper on earth in shoes high enough to dislodge your womb. Right. How could I forget that?
• Fans. Stans. She has to be the only person who has these ridiculously fight-ready people following her. They are deep in her life, counting her menstrual cycles, memorizing lyrics to all of her songs, doing choreography of her videos (mentally or physically) every time her songs play, and prepared to assault (verbally and physically) anyone who does not believe her to be the queen. Of anything.
• Beyonce. Just look at it. If ANYone ever needed a stage name, it was HER. YUCK. It sounds like an awful bodily fluid that could suffucate a person. Just saying.

*steps back* Hmmm… That got a little messy, didn’t it? *brushes dust from hands* Ok. All set. Now let me have your thoughts.

Do you like Beyonce? Why? (If you don’t like her, I totally get it!) Do you intensely dislike any celebrities?

Wordless Wednesday: Binder Clips

 

 

All of a sudden, WP is giving me major issues when I try adding pictures, video, etc. I managed to get the pictures up, but without the hilarious captions. PLEASE go to the source to get the full effect. Then come back here and leave your LOLs in the comments.

Source: 6 Life-Changing Uses for Binder Clips (That You Couldve Easily Thought Of)… – StumbleUpon.

Wordless Wednesday: An Invitation

Inviting my brother to our game night this weekend

 

One-of-a-kind Tavistock golf bag being auctioned by Ride for Hope Bahamas to raise money for cancer education, research, and treatment programs. For details, go to: http://www.facebook.com/RideforHope242

 

Signed by all Albany members (including Tiger Woods).

 

Valued over $7000 with parts by Cervelo, Mavic, Rotor, and SRAM. Being auctioned by RFH. Current highest bid is $4500. Auction ends on Friday at 3pm EST.

 

The Bus This Morning

Here are a few things that happened this morning on the bus:

• Someone thought he was the lassst reggae all-star (Bob Marley reincarnate, maybe?), singing saying (in a dragging sort of way) the lyrics to conscious reggae songs quite loudly. I don’t understand why people do that. Why are you just slow-talking the song lyrics? Either sing it, or zip it!
• A woman came on the bus, sat in the only seat that make the passenger face the rest of the passengers. Fine. Next, she proceeded to get dressed. She put on a shirt. Then, she switched seats. In her new seat (by the door of the bus), she spent a few minutes doing her hair. She was some sort of twisty thing where she took half of the (horse) hair (which was in fairly fine single braids) and would it around the ponyhorsetail. It had the look of when you use a bit of hair to wind around your ponytail holder to hide it. Except that it was a LOT of hair. Half the tail. It wasn’t cute.
• When she was quite done with her hair, she switched seats again.
• The same woman whipped out some lotion, and moisturized herself. I thought to myself, “Whatever. She can’t top the shirt thing. A lot of people probably put lotion on whenever they feel like it.” Well, she went beyond hands. She did her arms. Legs. FEET. SHE TOUCHED HER FEET. LOTIONED them. On the BUS. The PUBLIC bus. When I got over the initial shock, I laughed uncontrollably. I made about 4 attempts before I finally spoke choked in a way that Babe could understand what the heck was going on with me.
• A student sat next to me. I noticed that her shirt was very dirty. I couldn’t understand it. Your hair is all gelled into place and the ends are all fanned out (because apparently, you, along with every other public school female student, think that looks fancy or something), but your shirt has brown marks on it. Let’s say you’re short on shirts for school… It’s TUESDAY. How is your shirt dirty?! I don’t get it.
• A student was on the bus with her hair SO not done. It’s like she woke up, put on baby powder*, got dressed, and left the house. It was in two at the top. The left side was sort of like a bun?! and the right side was just out, like it fell out of the bun. The back was just… Death. It was just all gjrigjjhltghmkg. Ya know? Matted. Like it could be a few giant dreadlocks tomorrow.
• The back row of the bus is like a couch. It seats 4 people. There were two adults back there, and one child. Another woman got on the bus and had to sit there with them. Babe and I just heard when she said, “Go over shorty! Lemme sit down. I need space!” It was SO funny. The child was unmoving until the adult told him to move over. And the way she said it was hilarious. I think I laughed for a good minute. (This is one of those things that’s waaayyy funnier if you witness it.)
• A woman was driving.
• It took OVER AN HOUR to get downtown this morning. Absolutely ridiculous. It never takes that long! Is this related to the previous point? I don’t know. That woman definitely is not the best bus driver on the island. In fact, she is probably among the worst.

*This is not a joke. Students (mostly those attending public schools) put baby powder on the chests and necks. You see their faces, and then WHITE. Seriously. Don’t ask me why. I have NO idea.

Well, that’s it for me today. I’m suuuper busy. Work, work, work! I’m not sure when things will calm down. Maybe on the weekend? I am REALLY going to post pictures of the Denmark goodies tomorrow, k?

Have you had any funny experiences today? Any funny stories from your public transportation experiences?

Wordless Wednesday: Travelling Glamour Girl

Taken from a FB post

How to Argue Effectively

Haven’t you always wanted to know how to argue effectively? I came across this, and given my fun sense of humor, found it hilarious. I had to share it with you.

How to argue effectively
By Dave Barry

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You
too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display
your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several
large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian
economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering
searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.

Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be
better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead: “The
average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is
$1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford
Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my
bathroom.”

Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As
it were
Qua
Ipso facto
Ergo
So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”,
and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.” Here’s how to
use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, “Peruvians would like to
order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, “Let
me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians,
they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have
enough money per se, as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You’re begging the question.
You’re being defensive.
Don’t
compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy
wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Don’t forget the classic: YOU’RE SO LINEAR.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You’re begging the question.

——————–

You say: Liberians, like most Asians…

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You’re being defensive.

——————–

You say: Since the discovery of the incandescent light bulb…

Your opponent says: The light bulb is an invention.

You say: Well DUH!

Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, “That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say,” or “You certainly do remind
me of Adolf Hitler.”

Source: http://home.tiac.net/~cri_d/cri/1998/argue.html