I don’t like Beyonce. In fact, I intensely dislike her. A lot of people are shocked by this, and it has nothing to do with me, or who I am. People just expect that everyone likes the wench. Not me. No sirree. Why? Well, let me give you my top 11 reasons.
Note: If you a fan of hers, and you are easily offended, you may not want to proceed. Also, my reasons are very skin-deep. If you’re expecting something groundbreaking or really intellectual, don’t bother. It’s not here. I’m working through grief in an odd way. I’m finding myself very angry, and I have to direct it somewhere, right? Yeah. So I pick Beyonce.
- Destiny’s Child. Remember them? Remember the other people in the “group” or not? I don’t understand why the “group” existed since, really, she was the singer, and the girls were her backup. She had all of the lyrics. She was always in front of them. Why, why, why? Just BE A SOLO ARTIST. Don’t have other talented women as your friggin’ background goons.
- Self-centred. She is far too into herself. You can see it. It drips off of her. From Destiny’s Child days. (Ok, so I’m a little bitter about those days. Kelly and Latoya should have had more shine, ok?!)
- Fake. She is far too fake. I’m convinced that the voice she uses in interviews is not her real speaking voice. Use your real voice, Beyonce! And if that IS her real voice, her lousy, fake-sounding voice is a good reason not too like her too.
- The stupid little fake laugh she does. Ih-hih-hih. It’s not even long enough. There is no real laughness in it. You know? Like, really, if you don’t think something is funny, don’t fake a laugh. She does it at questions. It’s like a time-killer. A moment to think. Oh, I think I’ll fake a little laugh first, and maybe by then, I can use my fake voice, reserved only for interviews, to give some lame answer where I’m probably gonna lie.
Jay-Z. Seriously, Beyonce?! You. And Jay-Z. Are in love. No. No, no, no. I am not accepting that. You two have combined to form some sort of super power that is even greated than the devil. You are so hungry for fame and being important that you are willing to give birth to the anti… Anyway. Whatever.
- Illuminati. Yeah. That’s right. If it exists, she and her stupid husband are at the forefront.
Weave. It is horrible. I mean… She has money! She can afford the good stuff. The length is too much. The colour is horrible. The texture. How dry it is. The amount… Just… No. Is is SUPPOSED to look real?! WHERE IS YOUR HAIR, BEYONCE?! *whispers* Do you have any?
- Stupid, stupid, stupid, awful songs. I refuse to list any because that would mean I’d have to think of them too intently. One that is already in mind is that horrid onnne. and. onnne. is [screechy, high-pitched, annoying voice] TWO! I’n. gat [same stupid voice] YOU. A neighbour was playing this loudly one night, and I seriously wanted it to be Beyonce herself, singing the song outside my window, so that I could cut her (voice out). Yeah. It’s that serious.
- Pregnancy. Seriously. She felt the need to announce it THAT way? Really now… Not necessary. Then she proceeded to have performances where she wore the most ridiculous shoes. (Like she hasn’t fallen WITHOUT being pregnant. HA!) Do you CARE about your baby, Beyonce? Oh, right. I almost forgot. You’re the most amazingly great person ever, you know all things, and nothing bad would ever happen to you or your baby. Even if you booty-shake like the last stripper on earth in shoes high enough to dislodge your womb. Right. How could I forget that?
Fans.Stans. She has to be the only person who has these ridiculously fight-ready people following her. They are deep in her life, counting her menstrual cycles, memorizing lyrics to all of her songs, doing choreography of her videos (mentally or physically) every time her songs play, and prepared to assault (verbally and physically) anyone who does not believe her to be the queen. Of anything.
- Beyonce. Just look at it. If ANYone ever needed a stage name, it was HER. YUCK. It sounds like an awful bodily fluid that could suffucate a person. Just saying.
*steps back* Hmmm… That got a little messy, didn’t it? *brushes dust from hands* Ok. All set. Now let me have your thoughts.
Do you like Beyonce? Why? (If you don’t like her, I totally get it!) Do you intensely dislike any celebrities?